Here We Go

21 March 2010

This is my first blog entry, so I figured I'd start with a bit of background (sorry it's a long ramble). I have always known I wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. I love kids and chose a career where I work with children everyday. I couldn't imagine not ever having my own. My periods have always been very regular, and I am fit and healthy so I always assumed that I would have no difficulty conceiving. Everyone I know who has struggled has had irregular cycles or other health concerns causing the infertility. I get asked regularly if we want/when we'll have kids. It's interesting how my response has morphed over the past year or so. I used to say "yes, definitely within the next year or two", now I say "I don't know, we're saving up, we'll see how things go". I always thought I wanted 2 kids, now one would be a true miracle.

When I was 21, I went in for a routine physical and the doctor discovered an ovarian cyst. The cyst was monitored by ultrasound and eventually determined that the persistent growing lump would need to be removed by laparascopic surgery. When the Gyn was looking around inside he thought that the cyst looked like an endometrioma, but when the tissue test came back from the lab, it was determined that it was not endometriosis. He advised me that this should have no impact on my future fertility and sent me on my merry way.

I met the man who would become my husband at 26. He wanted a family too, but was in no hurry. I wanted to start at 30, but we agreed to wait one more year until after we got married. So, true to our word we tossed away the condoms on our wedding night. I remember being so excited about having a honeymoon baby. I scheduled a preconception visit with my Dr. and switched to a prenatal vitamin. I knew it wouldn't likely happen on our first try, and that it may take a few months. After the first 3 cycles of blissfully winging it, I began charting my temperatures. My charts looked just like the textbook, and intercourse was timed well.

After 6 months I was starting to suspect something might be wrong. When I saw my GP for a routine physical, and asked him how long we should try before seeking medical help. He told me what I figured -12 months, but he'd be willing to make a referral to a Gyn at 10 months because of the wait to get in. So, back at it again, and still nothing. The referral went in to the Gyn for *cringe* infertility and hubbie's first SA was done. We waited and waited for the results. Then his Dr. called and wanted us to come in to discuss the results in person. We braced for the worst. He told us the results were absolutely normal and that we just needed to relax and it would happen. He gave us a copy to take to the Gyn, whom I was still waiting 4 months to see. When we got home we noticed that the results had a big ABNORMAL across the bottom, and that the morphology was only 4%. When I went back to my GP to get the hormone bloodwork done in preparation for my Gyn appointment. I brought a copy of the SA, and my GP agreed that it didn't seem normal, and suggested that we ask hubbie's Dr. to refer him to a urologist. Hubbie's GP reluctantly made that referral.

Our anniversary came and while we tried to make it a celebration, it was bitter sweet because it was also our 1 year anniversary of trying to conceive without success.

Meanwhile, my day 3 bloodwork came back with a slightly elevated FSH (10.2). I googled that and was totally freaked out about what I was reading in regards to ovarian reserve. My GP reassured me that it was fine. I was not so sure.

The urologist ended up being the most horrible medical appointment we've ever experienced. He asked nothing about his history other than if he'd ever smoked pot. My hubbie told him the truth which was that he smoked socially in his early 20's, but hasn't for at least 8 years. The urologist told him that he'd permanently damaged his sperm, and we'd likely not be successful on our own but to keep trying. I asked about a referral to a fertility clinic and he'd never heard of the one closest to us in Victoria. He didn't think it would be worth pursuing because with deformed sperm we'd just get a deformed child. "Some people are just not meant to have children" were his exact words. We both just sat there stunned . The week following was emotional rock bottom. I cried , and my hubbie tried to comfort me while feeling terrible himself. I had to hold it together while I continued working with babies all day long at my job. We finally collected ourselves to push on, and tried to put the urologist from hell behind us.

I saw my GP again and told him about everything. He made the referral to the fertility clinic and also for another SA and a better urologist. I still can't believe how misinformed urologist #1 was, and it angers me that he's allowed to continue to practice.

The fertility clinic called with our first appointment date of March 29, 2010. It was only September -almost 7 months to wait. Wow, I'm glad I pushed for that when I did. I'd be near entering menopause if I just kept waiting and being patient.

While we were waiting we figured we might as well jump on the complementary medicine bandwagon. Both of us started taking herbs, having acupuncture, and made some dietary changes.

It's like we're on a bus with no driver. We're trying to navigate and steer ourselves along but just barely keeping the bus on the road to where we think babyville might be. We keep picking up passengers who say they can help us, but what they have to offer is limited. What we really need is a driver, not another passenger.

I finally got in to see the Gyn, and more tests were ordered for me including an HSG showing normal open tubes. Another day 3 FSH was ordered and this time it was 6.8, so my doctor reassured me that my ovarian reserve was normal.

Hubbie had another SA this time the morphology was 8%. He saw urologist #2 who said this was not a problem at all because the count and motility are high and will compensate. He checked for a variocele and found everything to be normal. At this point my Gyn told us we had an official diagnosis (really an undiagnosis) of unexplained infertility. What??? How can there be nothing wrong. Do we just have really bad luck? I was put on a wait-list for a diagnostic laparoscopy, and on a 3 month trial of Clomid. Ah, the magic fertility pill for so many couples. In our case, Clomid just gave me morning sickness without the pregnancy to go along with it. My lap is coming up on April 7th. Will there be scar tissue from my previous surgery? Have I developed endometriosis with no symptoms?

Now over a year and a half and 22 cycles later, our initial fertility clinic appointment is a week away. Maybe, just maybe we'll have some answers and some direction soon, or maybe we'll be told we haven't been patient enough yet. I'm nervous & excited.

This dance is such a fine balance of sitting back and being patient and being persistent.