AF Letter again

31 May 2010

My dearest great niece,
I am once again nearing my next visit to the island, it’s been nearly 4 weeks I was last there. I am most looking forward to my stay again as always. I did receive your last letter, but I know you don’t really want me not to visit you anymore, so I’ve booked another ticket for just shy of a week at your beautiful home.
I have the laptop you gave me, and have tried to use this new “e-mail and Skype” technology, but to he honest, I can’t remember how to work it. There are just so many steps involved, it’s too much for my aging brain to cope with. It just doesn’t replace a face to face visit with my lovely niece and nephew-in-law.
Besides I always enjoy my little chat with the stork at the post office every month when go there to send my letter. By the way, I put the bug in his ear and he says he’s getting around to bringing you a baby as soon as his load of regular letters lightens up a bit. It just may be a little while because he is so busy.
I'll see you again very soon...
Sincerely,
Florence

Auntie Florence,
We received your recent letter, and want you to understand that we really are serious about asking you to take a break from your visits for a while. I know you are already en-route, so we’ll make the best of this visit, but be advised that after this visit, we will be having the locks on the doors changed. We will also be hiring a young lad to come by your place once per week to give you lessons on using the laptop to e-mail and Skype.
When you use the overworked stork service to deliver your handwritten letters, it actually prevents them from being able to deliver the babies to where they are most wanted.
Since you have not respected last month’s notice, consider this your final notice of eviction. We have been in touch with some experts in this field, and advise you that all communications will now take place through this mediator and not directly with us. We would be most appreciative if we can resolve this conflict with this lower cost approach, but if needed we’ll hire more expensive help.
Less warm regards,
Your great-niece Silver$

Decoding the Text

30 May 2010

So, after I met with the RE on my own recently, I sent a long e-mail to my husband who is half way across the globe, outlining all the details of the proposed treatment plan for the IUI. Of course, he didn’t have internet access so wasn't able to read the message. The phone connection was poor too, but he was able to send me text messages on my cell. "What did the Dr. say?" Since I use an old school phone that is no match for his I-Phone, I tried to sum up the Dr.'s appointment briefly by simply saying "IUI in June".  He didn't get what I was talking about, so I had to spell out “intrauterine insemination” using the painfully slow number pad (this is not one of those words that is pre-programmed into cell phone technology just yet).  I also needed to make sure he was making a fully informed decision because the Dr. gave me a consent form for us to both read over and sign that makes sure we both acknowledge the risk of multiples.  How does one sum that up in a text? I wrote "You OK with triplets?" Of course he wrote back with "What!?" So after a bit more painstaking explaining, we got that one sorted out and he's happy to proceed to the IUI shortly after he gets home. His exact text words were "Let's do it!" "I can't wait... to see you that is". Then later in the day he sent another message "I guess this means I lost the bet on getting pregnant this cycle and owe you an ice cream?" YEP! Luv U!

We have since had a proper phone conversation, so, that feels better. Now, I'm just waiting to call in my Day 1...

Internet Blind Date

30 May 2010

Yesterday I felt like I had entered the world of internet dating when I met up with 5 amazing ivf.ca women at the Vancouver meet-up. We decided to meet at a restaurant, and the organizer of the event just happens to go by the webname “impatient”. Fortunately she made the reservation under her real name, but we all got lots of laughs out of asking for the impatient table -maybe our food would be served quickly? As we trickled in we introduced ourselves and it was like meeting up with a bunch of people you have known for a long time. We had fun decoding each other’s real names, and began talking, and talking, and talking.
The waitress kept coming back to take orders and none of us had even thought to open a menu. At one point, she made a comment that she understood what it was like to get together with a bunch of friends that you haven’t seen in a while. I thought to myself -wow if she only knew that we’ve been in regular contact online, but never actually met in real life before!
Everyone had a chance to share her frustrations, worries, fears, but what struck me most is how many laughs we had. Each one of us has had a different experience but despite the horror stories, there we were, smiling and laughing like a bunch of long lost buddies! Thank goodness for the background music and loud atmosphere, because I’m sure we would have made the whole place very uncomfortable if everyone could hear our candid conversations about our uteruses, our husband’s sperm, and stabbing ourselves with injections. It reminded me of the girls in Sex and the City meeting up in the New York cafe and talking openly about their sex lives, except our “sex lives” had been taken to a whole different place than we’d have ever dreamed possible in hopes of making a baby.
We were definitely not an impatient table. When we did finally get some food, the conversation did not stop. All of a sudden I looked at my watch and we had been there for over 2 hours. I knew I would miss the last ferry home if I didn’t get up to leave. I caught a lift back with the woman who introduced me to ivf.ca after finding each other on another site. I ended up arriving at the ferry just in time to buy the last ticket home!
On my journey back I kept trying to read the book I brought along, but my thoughts of these amazing people I had just met kept creeping in. I am so fortunate to have found this support network. Honestly, what did people do before the internet. How did they cope? I hope we will get a chance to get together again soon. It will be like a sequel of our very own “Dr. Assisted Intercourse and the City”. I wonder where will each of our stories take us in part 2?

2nd Date Update

28 May 2010

Here's my update from my 2nd date with Dr. H:

I arrived at the clinic and I was the only patient there. Last time the waiting room was so full we got the last seats. Dr. H. didn't blame Hubbie for missing the appointment said he wished we could all be in the Mediterranean right now with the lousy weather. He was happy with the results of the surgery that I had with the ObGyn, and thanked me for e-mailing the pictures of my insides, and having all the medical records sent to him. In his opinion there is nothing too major going on with my parts, and does not think it was the cause of our difficulties. He doesn't believe it should impact the success of future treatment at all. I asked about risk of damage to the ovaries by having 2 surgeries. He said ovarian function would only be affected if part of the ovary was removed. He said I had lots of antral follicles on both sides on the previous ultrasound, and I ovulate regularly so there is no reason to believe that this should be a problem. I asked about the endo growing back, especially since I have no pain symptoms to judge by. There are drugs that can prevent the endo from coming back, but they would also prevent pregnancy. If it did grow back, I could be looking at another laparoscopy again. He said the very best prevention for the endo would be for me to get pregnant soon.

He offered us 3 choices:
1. Continue to try unassisted
2. Try up to 3 IUI cycles
3. Straight to IVF

He thinks that we still have a reasonable chance of conceiving on our own, but it might take several more months/years. He thinks that the more minimally invasive option #2 would be a good place to start if we chose to go with assistance. IVF would give us the best odds, and control over multiples, but is much more invasive and expensive. At this point, I think I'd like to try the IUIs and see what happens. He gave me all the paperwork to take home to read over and discuss it over with my DH. If we decide to try the IUI, everything is in place to get started on this next cycle. I will need to call the clinic the day my period arrives (due around June 1). There is some preliminary blood work for both of us to complete. The protocol he suggested is an oral medication called Letrozole (aka Femara) that I take from day 3-7, and a baby aspirin daily. Starting on day 10 I have to take OPKs to monitor for an LH surge. On day 12 of the cycle I'll have to go for an ultrasound at the clinic and they will determine how many follicles I am producing and how mature they are. If there are 1-3 follicles he will give a shot to trigger ovulation and then we'd go back together 24-36 hours later to do the insemination procedure (this would be around mid-June). If there are 4 or more follicles the procedure will be canceled because of the risk of multiples. All that in a 20 minute appointment! I sent Hubs all the information and am just waiting for his reply now (it's the middle of the night where he is).

So after all that, my leg shaving was all for not -there was no wanding today, and therefore no reason to remove my fancy pants. We'll be having more frequent dates coming up soon so though, so I'm sure I'll see the magic wand again. Move over ladies who are already in Dr. H's harem, make room, looks like I'm joining in!

The ART of Dating

28 May 2010

I’ve got my fancy pants on, shaved my legs last night, am squeaky clean and all free of any scented products. All ready for my second date with the RE later this afternoon! Hubs would be jealous I’m sure. He will not be joining me in person or by phone while he is half way across the globe for work this week. We got a brief chat in yesterday, but there was a significant delay and patchy connection. We talked about the appointment and reviewed all the questions I’ll be asking. We both decided it would not be worth him staying up until 12:30 am to try to get another sketchy at best connection. He thinks I’m well prepared and will do great on my own. I teased him a bit saying “don’t worry honey, the clinic has access to donor sperm for just these types of situations” I could feel him frowning through the phone -OK not funny, I take it back. I know he would be here to support me if he could be and his sperm won’t be needed today anyway.

So soon I will go to work, put my professional mask on to see other people’s babies for the morning, and check out at lunch for my trip down to the clinic. I’ve got my favorite mixed CD of music to keep me company for the way there and back, and I can sing along at the top of my lungs if I want to. It’s been 2 months since the first date with the RE, where we did all the usual meet and greet, get-to-know-you, ice breaker sort of stuff. Well, the magic wanding certainly broke the ice all right! At the end of the first date he invited me on this second date after I had taken care of some unfinished business with my ObGyn (another good guy, but I’m a bit out of his league now). I’ve been counting down the days since March, and now it’s finally here. I’m one big bundle of nerves but excited to find out what’s next. I know he is a very busy guy and I am one of very many women he is currently dating (many of whom also live out of town). Hopefully this date will go well and he will suggest more frequent opportunities to get together over the next little while. Ready or not, get set, go!

Oh the Places You'll Go...

25 May 2010

There is a well known article written by Emily Perl Kingsley, the mother of a special needs child, called “Welcome to Holland” (reprinted below). She describes her experience of discovering her child’s disability like she had a trip planned to Italy with an itinerary of exciting sights to see, and somehow ended up on a trip to Holland instead. After feeling shortchanged about not getting to see Italy she accepts that Holland is a actually not such a bad place after all.

Hubbie leaving yesterday for his work trip to Cyprus made me think about this. While he is off enjoying the Mediterranean sun, I will be taking a trip to Victoria for my second date with the RE on Friday. My all inclusive package deal will include a nice relaxing lounge on the exam table and an ovary massage session with the magic wand ultrasound. Believe it or not, I’m actually very excited about my little vacation. Hmmm... what pants should I wear? Ah right, it doesn't matter, they'll be off after the first 15 minutes of our date anyway. I’m anxious to find out where the RE suggests this trip is going to take us next. What sights are there to see and what experiences are there to be had in this strange fertility treatment world? I sure hope I come away from this consultation with a ticket for a departure date that isn’t too much further away, and not just another recommendation for do-it-yourself travel.

A whole year ago I visited my GP to start getting referrals under way. Just like everyone else here, when we started TTC we thought we’d be on a short journey to some warm and wonderful new land. While it hasn’t been a short journey, we got to learn things and see places that most people will never even dream about. We were told there were other places that were must-see’s in preparation for babyville and might even win us a free ticket there. The trip to the Hystero-salpingo-grove spa left my pipes all clean, and we got a couple of good snapshots there. I entered the Clomidtown sex marathon three times in a row, but never left with a medal, just sea-sickness. Then there were the days I spent nursing the post-anesthetic hangover after my trip to laparoscopic village. That hit of morphine there was unforgettable.

We’ve had time to prepare ourselves and have been through all the pre-flight tests. Now we are just waiting for the go ahead to purchase a our tickets and take off. I’m sure this next part of the trip, and the place we ultimately get to, will be nothing like what we’d thought it would be at first. I’m OK with that. Just please let us get on the plane soon or I might go nuts waiting at the gate.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

The Climb to the Summit

23 May 2010

Hubs and I went for a backcountry ski tour yesterday morning. Yes, I know it is the end of May and we should be thinking more about our garden, and summer being just around the corner-but there is still a fair bit of snow up high in the mountains.

There is an expression we backcountry skiers use called “earning your turns”.  As I was shuffling along yesterday during the long approach, I was thinking of how in a way how skiing is metaphor for infertility.

Backcountry skiers are a small minority, and our journey and motivation is poorly understood by others. Even when you share stories and photos of your incredible adventures, most people still don’t really get it. When they want to go skiing they just jump on a chair lift and take little notice of the scenery around them, and whiz down the crowded slopes with little thought and repeated ease. The avalanche danger has been managed and the snow is evenly groomed to level out any bumps. This is how it seems most fertile people approach trying to conceive -they just show up at the lift and start skiing.

A backcountry trip on the other hand begins with careful planning and waiting for all of the factors (weather, snow conditions, avalanche risk) to be just right. Sometimes you have to cancel or end a trip early because of these factors that are out of your control. Even with modern technology like GPS, the key pieces are still dependent on mother nature. When you do get out, the long exhausting climb up makes the reward of the views from the summit seem that much bigger and brighter. The ride down also seems that much more exhilarating, although it may include a few unexpected bumps and falls. We spend an entire day just to get a few turns in, but the enjoyment and satisfaction of each one is greatly magnified. There are no crowds and it is generally a very private experience.

I just have to remind myself to stay on track, and keep shuffling along no matter how tiring it seems right now. Even though we don’t know how much further away the top is because of the fog, eventually somehow we will reach the summit, and be able to fully take in its amazing view in full sunshine. The ride down to parenthood will be truly unforgettable, and we will enjoy every turn, and bump en route.

Prenatals Predicament Options 21 May 2010

21 May 2010
So, I went to take my prenatal vitamin this morning and noticed that I was getting low again. They come in bottles of 100, and this was bottle #6. So if I do the math, I’ve taken 600 of these while TTC. Uggg, I tried to just push that thought away.

So, on my lunch break, I thought I’d swing by the pharmacy to pick up yet another bottle. I searched the vitamin aisle and there were no prenatals to be found. When I asked someone in the store, she told me they’ve started keeping them behind the pharmacy counter recently. I trucked off over to the pharmacy assistant to ask for the prenatals. She gave a sideways look at my tummy and said “are you pregnant?”. “No” I responded back weakly. Hello! why does this matter? “Have you taken them before?” she said back. “Yes, I have been on them for a couple of years” She reluctantly handed over the bottle like it was some sort of addictive narcotic. “Well, I’ll let you have this bottle, but strongly suggest that you discuss with your doctor the appropriateness of taking a prenatal vitamin long term when you are not pregnant”.

So, maybe it was me just being sensitive, but I took the bottle and said I’d pay for it at the front because I had some other items to pick up. I went into on of the aisles and picked up a chocolate bar and left the bottle of prenatals sitting on the shelf while I proceeded to the checkout with only the chocolate bar. Why does this have to be so difficult? Since when do you have to bring in evidence of your pee stick as proof of your pregnancy status to get prenatals? I had never heard of there being a problem taking a prenatal when you are not pregnant. Isn’t it more important to take these before you get pregnant, or in the early stages of pregnancy before you know if you are pregnant in order to get adequate folic acid? I know the iron levels are a bit higher than the regular multis, but my iron has always been on the lower end of normal and I get it tested regularly.

I have just enough in the current bottle to take me through to next Friday when I see the RE again. I will ask him what I should be taking. I will be shopping at another pharmacy if the recommendation is to continue with prenatals.

Thermometer retirement

19 May 2010

OK, I think the time has come to officially retire my thermometer. I have been taking my morning temperature for waaay too long. I did it for a while before we started TTC just to get a handle on my cycles, and to know when we should double up on the birth control (in hindsight, what a waste of $ that was). At the time I remember thinking that conception should be a snap because my charts always looked just like the textbook -wow was I off the mark on that one! Once we started TTC, I dusted off the basal digital thermometer again and religiously documented my cycles every day for almost 2 years now.
After several months Hubs told me that the beeping of my thermometer was waking him up in the morning. I felt so bad and searched high and low for a non-beeping thermometer. There were no silent digital thermometers to be found anywhere (note to any budding entrepreneurs out there), so I settled for an old fashioned style glass one that you have to shake down. Usually I shake it down the night before and it’s good to go in the morning. Well last night I forgot. This morning I was expecting that the +opk predicted ovulation yesterday would lead to a temp rise this morning. I awoke and realized that darn it, yesterday’s reading was still on the thermometer. It usually takes 5 or 6 good flicks to get reset. I didn't want to get out of bed because that might ruin the temperature reading. So I flicked away while still lying down.  All the bed shaking woke Hubs up because he thought we were having an earthquake. He groggily asked what I was doing. I said "just your crazy wife taking her temperature again, sorry honey, go back to sleep". Oh I felt so bad, and had to laugh about how crazy making this TTC process is.
Why do I bother continuing to chart?!? It's always the same -temp is down, ovulate, temp goes up wait two weeks, repeat.  Charts look great -still no baby. I’m sure the RE was a bit taken aback by my stack of data collection that I handed over to him at the first visit.
OK, thermometer, it’s been a blast, but I think it’s time to cut our ties. From here forward, fertility drugs will mess your readings up anyway, and ultrasounds will do a superior job confirming ovulation. My husband will be a happier man with an uninterrupted sleep. As for me? Well I’m sure I’ll adjust. It’s time to let go.

Nulliparahood

17 May 2010

While lying on the stretcher waiting to be rolled into the surgical suite last month, my medical chart was left sitting on top of my chest. Having been left with no other reading material, and nothing else to pass the time, I did what any respectable patient would do, and opened it up my medical records for a quick read. The ObGyn’s note to my GP was on the first page. The first line struck me right away. It read “Thank you for the referral of his 32 year old nulliparous female”. I find this medical term an interesting way to describe my predicament. A nullipara is a woman who has never borne a child. It stems from the latin roots nullus no, not any + -para, from parere to bring forth. Yep that’s me in a nutshell. I’ve yet to bring forth anything. Try as I might I’ve never had a BFP. It’s amazing how my infertility history can be all summed up in one word. Just like many of you out there, I’m still looking for the secret to the primip club. Every stage of the journey brings new hope that it’s right around the corner. I’m still waiting and hoping to that some day I will graduate from nulliparahood, but for right now I might be a nullipara, but I’m not a nothing. Honestly, it's time to update the terminology. How about a new, more creative medical term for nullipara? Here's a few suggestions for you docs:

• Waiting-her-turn-gave-her-wrinkles
• TTC-made-her-crazy
• no-need-for-a-sitter
• BFNCollector

What if the tables were turned?

16 May 2010

Have you ever stopped to think how many babies would be conceived through assisted reproduction, if the tables were turned and it were primarily up to the male half of the partnership to deal with most of the medical appointments and the poking and prodding? It got me thinking about this when Hubbie watched my exam with the RE and was horrified by the “duck bill” thing he put inside of me. As a woman, speculum exams are just, yawn, a yearly experience like getting your teeth cleaned or your eyes examined.

Imagine for a minute if men had to go for all of the fertility tests we women endure (whether it’s male or female factor infertility)? Take the case of Peter and his wife Brenda. They decide to start trying for a baby. He wants to maximize his conception chances and do everything possible to create a healthy environment to carry a baby. He begins eating healthier, drops a few pounds and even gives up his morning coffee and glass of wine with dinner. He starts taking his his morning temperature and monitoring his penile mucus for signs of peak fertility and to make sure he is releasing a sperm each month. After several months of trying he is getting discouraged. He asks his wife and she hadn’t given much thought to how long it had been but told him if he wanted to get checked he should make an appointment for himself.

He goes in to see his family doctor, a woman, of course. She asks a few questions and tells him he’s young and on the right track. She tells him that he should just relax and everything would be fine, he was just being a typical male and over thinking this. His wife agreed with the Dr.

On they go having regular intercourse and Peter starts getting really worried that daddyhood was not coming easily. All of his buddies on his soccer team seem to make babies without much thought or effort. He makes another appointment with his GP. This time the GP tells him that she could order some blood work just to put his mind at ease. The blood work comes back absolutely normal and it is obvious that his testosterone levels and spermulation cycles are happening as they should. She tells him he really has to stop being such a worry wart, but refers him to her specialist friend to get him off her case. The specialist, Dr. Feel-Me-Up is another female doctor, who tells him that there will be a long lists of tests to work through to determine the cause of his infertility. The first is a test where they will insert a tube into his penis and inject dye, then look with a special x-ray to see if the dye flows through his tubes. The doctor says the test won’t be painful. Peter shows up at the hospital for his dye-in-penis-tube test. His wife watches as he winces in pain as the tube is inserted. “Everything looks normal here” the doctor announces -you should have no trouble getting pregnant Peter. Now go home and have lots of sex because after washing out your tubes you’ll have a better chance. Sex? Peter just wants to go home and lie down on the couch and watch a football game.

Another few months go by and he’s getting more and more concerned that there might be something wrong. Finally a test is ordered for his wife. The test involved bringing her to climax and collecting her fluids in a cup. Peter comes home from work to assist with the collection. She makes a big deal of this test. Peter thinks of all the things he’s gone through, but shuts his trap because if Brenda doesn’t orgasm the test will be ruined. They go into the doctor to find out the results of the female-fluid-after-orgasm test. All normal again she’s got lots of eggs ready to find his lonely sperm. The doctor suggests a vacation, and having Peter prop his hips on a pillow after sex. They book a holiday, but somewhere cold because lying in the sun isn’t healthy for his sperm.

Next comes Clomid. Peter wonders why they would give him hormones to make him have regular spermulation cycles when all of his blood work is normal, but is getting desperate now and will try anything. He takes the little pills and turns into a raving lunatic. The doctor also wrote a prescription for daily sex and handed it to his wife, because Peter was so out of it. Peter and Brenda do the deed every day for 3 months. Peter’s blood work shows a good testosterone surge and the release of the sperm. Every month Peter pees on sticks and is disappointed with the results.

They go back to the Dr. again. Peter is scheduled for surgery to see what is the matter with his insides. Brenda looks on and tries to help Peter to process this but is at a loss for what to say. Peter is willing to do anything to carry a baby in his tummy. He endures the surgeries and with still nothing really wrong with him, keeps hoping that they’ll get lucky this month. They don’t.

They consult a fertility doctor, Dr. Pro-Creation at a clinic called Embryos-R-Us. They try a few rounds of a treatment where Brenda brings herself to orgasm and collects the fluid in a cup. The fluid is then inserted into Peter’s penis using a tube (ugghh another tube). They hope that they time it right and Brenda’s eggs reach Peter’s sperm. There are many trans-penile ultrasounds with a special wand that can reach high up inside. After several tries, they are still without a child. Peter has to start giving himself needles to try to boost his sperm production. He takes more crazy hormones, and it is a wonder that Brenda stays married to him. They have a procedure where they put a needle inside of his penis, withdraw the sperm, and combine them with Brenda’s orgasm fluid to try to create an embryo. The embryos then are put back through Peter’s penis through yet another tube. This time their chance of success is 50/50. They borrow money from the bank and family members to take the chance.

Fortunately they do have success eventually and Peter proudly sports a baby bump. His soccer buddies all tease that his wife must have knocked him up just by looking at him -”yeah, something like that” he twerps back meanwhile thinking of all of the people who had to “look” at him in order to get him pregnant. He wished that more men talked openly about how hard it was for some guys.

When it comes time for the baby to be born, Peter hopes for a drug-free penile delivery. He knows that it will be painful, but after everything he’s been through it should be nothing to push a baby out of such a small opening. Dr. Feel-Me-Up talked him through the delivery. Brenda was working out of town, but arrived at the delivery room just in time to see the head crowning and their baby boy being delivered. Peter tears up as he thinks of how over the course of a few years his penis went from a sexy organ for love making, to portal to his insides, and now a delivery path for his son. When his son is only a few months old, someone asks him if they’ll have another child. He thinks back on everything he went through and replies “for sure!”.

Amazing how far fetched this tale sounds when you reverse the genders!

Hubbie can't attend our next appointment -UPDATE

14 May 2010

I had to chuckle when my husband told me more about the details of how this trip came up. When he got the phone call yesterday to offer him the contract in Europe he was blown away but then he told the guy he'd have to check his calendar and call back to confirm. He's got my ovulation dates programmed in as a recurring event on his electronic calendar. Haa Haa -I'd forgotten he did that when I was taking Clomid and needed to make sure he'd be around at the right time if I was going to suffer the s/e of that evil pill. Whew, he thought, this actually falls at a good time in my wife's cycle (2ww)! Then he noticed the RE appointment right in the middle of his trip -oh oh. That's when he called me at work to discuss it.

He was very excited when I picked up, so I knew right away something was up. When he told me he'd been offered a contract for 10 days in Cyprus, I thought he said Cypress referring to one of the local mountains where they held the Olympics recently. When he started talking about flights and missing our RE appointment, I was really confused. Why he couldn't just miss part of a day to come to our appointment? He said not Cypress -Cyprus the little island in the Mediterranean off of Greece. Wow, OK that's a huge opportunity that you can't just pass up. DH has never traveled outside of North America. I told him to call back and accept, and we'd sort out what we'd do about the appointment when I got home.

Hubs and I talked this over last night and decided (with the help of all of your input) that it makes sense for me to go on my own to our next appointment. If it was our first appointment, it would be different and we'd probably reschedule. This appointment is a follow up to discuss the outcome of the surgery, which we've already reviewed with the ObGyn, and to discuss next steps for treatment, which Dr. H alluded to already at the last visit. It will be midnight where he is, when it is 2pm here and I'll be at the appointment. If there is a way for him to get a reasonable connection by phone, we'll patch him in. If not, I'll just have to fill him in later. Hubbie usually just sits and listens at the appointments, and because I work in the medical field, I ask most of the questions. I write down all of my questions ahead of time, and make sure I don't leave before I have answers to them. I usually ask for copies of all of my medical records, so I'll ask Dr. H if he can copy us his consult note so Hubs can read it. I feel OK about going to the appointment alone, but one part that will be a bit lonely will be the 4 hours of driving (our clinic is 2 hours from where we live). I'll think about bringing someone (mom, friend) along if they are available, if only just for the drive.

You guys are right, life goes on and we can't put everything on hold because of infertility, and our level of commitment is not for the Dr. to judge. I am a bit jealous that he gets to go to such an exotic place without me. But really, who needs the warm Mediterranean sun anyway, when you can just daydream that you are there as you lie with your legs in the stirrups having the magic wand ultrasound poke around inside!?!?!

Hubbie can't attend our next appointment

13 May 2010

Hubs and I had our initial appointment at our fertility clinic back in March. Since then I've had surgery and are trying again au natural for a couple of cycles. Our second appointment with the RE is scheduled for May 28th to review the surgery results and discuss starting IUI's.

So here's the catch. Today Hubs just got an incredible opportunity to travel for work to Europe from May 24-June 4 . I hate to cancel or postpone the RE appointment because it took some work to get this date. I'm also anxious to get going an moving forward with some form of treatment as soon as we can. I'm thinking of just going to the appointment on my own. We might be able to get Hubbie connected in somehow on the phone, but I'm not sure about this. I don't want it to come across to the Dr. like we aren't fully committed to this process together. What do you think? Have you attended appointments solo, if you are doing this with a partner?

Thanks in advance!!!

More Mother's Day Musings

09 May 2010

Like all of us have experienced, the week leading up to Mother's Day has been filled with hurtful comments and reminders that I am still not, despite all our efforts, a member of the mommy club. Aunt flo is still camping out, providing yet another reminder and making me more sensitive than usual.
So, I could sit around and feel sorry for myself or I could choose do something else this weekend. I decided to spend some time with a long time close friend celebrating her very first Mother's Day. She has such a good reason to celebrate -her 3 month old miracle son. She and her husband began their journey 7 years ago, and were told fairly early on that their only hope for ART would be to use donor eggs and donor sperm with a surrogate carrier. They took a step back and asked why they would do all that when the could "just adopt" and have a guaranteed baby. Well, as many of you know there is no such thing as "just adopting". It is a long and drawn out process, often coming with a more expensive price tag than ART. After a year's worth of classes and getting their paper work together and spending 5 more years on a never ending wait list for China, an opportunity came up with a local baby. They developed a relationship with the birth mother, attended the birth, and spend two days at the hospital with the baby. Then as they were leaving the hospital the social worker delivered them the most devastating news -the birth mom had changed her mind and wanted to keep the baby.
They had to drive home from the hospital with an empty carseat in the back of the car, and come home to congratulatory flowers and messages and phone calls from people who hadn't yet heard their devastating news. After years of holding back on purchasing anything baby related they now had an empty crib in a baby room full of clothes and toys. They were left trying to process their grief, anger, hurt and sadness. I remember taking over food so they wouldn't forget to eat, and offering a shoulder to cry on. Then four days later they received another call asking them to come and pick up the baby -the birth mom had decided she couldn't do it (for now at least, she still had 30 days to change her mind again). After an agonizing wait, they passed this milestone and threw a huge party to celebrate.
She tells me it still doesn't feel real that she is finally a mom. I'm sure it will take time to sink in. Her son is one very lucky little guy to have such a wonderful mom and dad who never gave up on their quest to parenthood. When someone with her experience tells you to "hang in there, some day you'll be a mother" it is not empty words of encouragement. When I think of everything that she went through, this sure puts these upcoming fertility treatments into perspective for me.
Wishing everyone here a Happy Mother's Day today whether you are a mother, or want desperately to be one in the future.

One month since my gutting and cleaning

07 May 2010

One month ago today, I was lying on the operating table waiting for the culprits of our struggles to be revealed. Wow, it's been quite a month!

Hubs and I were reflecting about it all over ice cream last night:

Me: "well AF has officially arrived"

Him: "that bitch"

Me: "yep, (pout)"

Him: "I didn't think we had a chance this cycle anyway?"

Me: "but I did ovulate, and we had sex remember?"

Him: "You were gutted and cleaned out like a fish, how could the egg and sperm get cozy with all that going on"

Me: "I guess so, it really would have been a miracle"

Him: "this next cycle is going to be it though. I am quite convinced"

Me: "You think so eh, lucky attempt number 24?"

Him: "It's really more like our first actual attempt with working pipes"

Me: "Yes, and at best there is a 20-25% chance per cycle like any other couple"

Him: "I really do think we'll get lucky, and will even bet another ice cream cone on it."

Me: "OK you're on, but I'm not canceling our next RE appointment to discuss starting the IUI's"

Him: "Fine, but I don't think we'll need the IUI's, you'll see"

This is the same guy who was talking me down a couple of weeks ago from being too optimistic. The roller coaster ride continues as I head down, Hubs riding two cars behind is obviously reaching the top again. I know to hang on, I should be ready for another upswing as my period wraps up and DH will be scheduling time off work well in advance for the IUI just in case.

Letter back to AF

06 May 2010

I have drafted a response letter to AF. I'm not sure how she will take it. Let me know if you think it is too strongly worded. Oh, gotta go she's knocking at the door...

Dearest Auntie Florence,
I do hope this letter finds you in good health. Thank you once again for your recent letter. You have been writing me letters and making your regular monthly visits now for over 20 years. It’s interesting that you brought up my biological clock in your last letter. Hubs and I have actually been trying to start a family of our own now for almost 2 years. This brings me to the reason for writing you this response. We are really feeling we need some space right now and we are ready to have a break from your visits for awhile. We don’t want to sever our relationship entirely and know that you are are already on route here as I write this. During this next 5 day stay we’d like to introduce you to e-mail and Skype. Hubs has refurbished an old laptop of his to give to you, so you will no longer have to use the overworked stork service to deliver your handwritten letters. Hopefully this will free up the stork that flies in our area to bring us a little bundle of joy. Once the baby arrives we’ll be sure to invite you back for a visit. I hope you are not offended and respect our needs for a change. We'd both appreciate if this is your last visit to our place for a while. Consider this your one month's notice of eviction. If you are not able to honor this polite request, we will be enlisting an expensive service to assist us in this process.

Warmest regards,
Silverdollar and Hubbie in tow

Letter from AF

05 May 2010

I received another letter in the mail from my dear great aunt Florence today. She wrote:

My dearest great niece,
By the time this letter arrives on your doorstep, I will be nearing my next visit to the island. I am most looking forward to my stay again as always. I send these letters, and try to keep my visits regular so you'll always know when to expect me. I hope you don't mind when I stay on an extra few days, it's just so lovely to be away from the city and near the ocean. I just couldn't dream of not coming. You and your dear husband are always so kind and hospitable. You always have the fluffy duvet on the bed and a warm heating pad ready to ease the cramps in my aging back. I've been meaning to tell you that each month I send you a letter notifying you of my arrival, there is the option at the post office of having a a stork deliver my letter instead of regular mail. I suppose with the declining birth rate, these storks need employment and they are more reliable and much less expensive than a courier. The regular stork business must not pay very well because he always sets aside his baby deliveries for me. I hope you don't see this postie stork and get fooled that it might be something other than my letter. By the way, you are in your 30's now and your clock is ticking. In my day most women had 5 or 6 children before their 20's were through. When are you and your Hubbie going to get on with it and make me a great-great auntie? I don't have many years left in this life you do know. Maybe I'll have to put a bug in the stork's ear. Toodle-loo I'll see you very soon...
Sincerely,
Flo

Another pregnancy announcement at work, but this one made me giggle

03 May 2010

There have been way too many pregnancy announcements at work recently that I didn't think I could handle yet another one -but this one really made me laugh and I just had to share. While visiting a child at a daycare this afternoon, another little 4 year old boy at the centre was playing with the dolls. I watched as he tucked one of the dolls under his shirt and loudly announced "look everybody, I'm going to have a baby". Along with the staff, I was trying to hold back my snickers as he waddled around the room proudly showing off his belly to everyone. He then stopped and said "Oh, time to push it out now" and delivered the doll out from under his shirt! As fast as it started, he tossed the doll aside and moved on to the cars and trucks. You've gotta love kids.