Who (What Where When and Why) is Really Losing Out

31 January 2011

I must have missed all the drama in the summer (I think it was during one of my unplugged outdoor trips) with the now banned member Secaly who was trying to sell off her male babies. I did watch the w5 program the other night and read some of her posts to try to sort out for myself what was going on. My perspective on it is that she is a very mentally ill woman who is crying out for help with all this attention seeking behaviour. She needs the help of a psychiatrist and not an IVF clinic.

It's unfortunate that this one person has had such and influence on the perceptions of IVF & embryo adoption by not only the general public, but people who have been through IVF. It saddens me to hear people say that they would have previously considered donating their left over embryos, but now won't because of the fear of them going to someone like this.

Secaly is getting her needs for attention met, and W5 is getting its need for attention met, but who is losing out as a result? -the thousands of embroys sitting frozen in limbo, and many couples who have limited other options still childless and waiting.

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/WFive/20110128/w5-assisted-human-reproductive-medicine-110128/

9 for Dinner

27 January 2011

A grand total of 8 women and one very brave man got together for last night's ivf.ca meet-up dinner in Victoria. Many of us have been chattering away on the Victoria Clinic Pals thread here for many months (far too many months!).

It was a long drive for me after a full day of work, and would mean getting back home far past my bedtime, but how could I miss out? The roads were dry and I made good time over the pass and arrived a bit early. The parking at the restaurant was all full, so I found a spot in front of some of the shops around the corner. I thought I'd check to see if there was a free WiFi signal I could pick up to waste some more time surfing on this site. Score! I got access but I had to LOL when I realized the network I was leaching off was titled "Bellies In Bloom" and I looked up to see that I'd parked right in front of a maternity wear store! The irony of that nearly knocked me over. I posted it in my status here and Designer Bug replied: "Why am I not surprised that it's you of all people who would experience something like this?" Yep.

As I scanned the recent posts on our clinic pals thread, one member of the group had a minor panic when she got word that a group of ex-coworkers had a reservation at the same restaurant and the times would overlap. What are the chances? It never seems to fail, last time a few of us met we were seated next to a group having baby shower! Anyway that got sorted out quickly with a little help from others and some creative thinking, and the dinner plans were saved.

We slowly gathered at the entrance of the restaurant. It is so strange to introduce yourself with your real name and getting a blank look, but as soon as you reveal your internet identity there is an instant connection. I always have a visual of what I imagine people to look like and sometimes they look nothing like what you envisioned. It's always so good to put a face to a name (or a webname).

I looked around at one point during the meal and thought about how this wonderful bunch of individuals was brought together by unfortunate circumstances that life has dealt us all. The variety of experiences in this group has always been something I value. We range from 21 years old doing a first IVF to 40 something doing multiple cycles using donors, from entering the last trimester of pregnancy to PUPO or nearly PUPO to waiting to cycle again, and from male factor to female to unexplained. Some had traveled from as far away as Alberta to cycle in Victoria, while others lived close by. What we all have in common is a Dr. named Steve, and a desire to be parents.

Conversation flowed freely about all topics, both fertility and normal life related. It's like getting together with a group of old friends who you haven't seen in a while. We had a toast (with our glasses of water of course) to 2011. I'd like to hope that I wasn't the only one who left there feeling a bit stronger than when I walked in.

CHEERS!

IVF Shower

26 January 2011

OK, so if you could have an IVF shower, there would need to to be some games. What would a shower be without silly games??!! So you could have:

Guess the total weight gain for the cycle - a string will be used to measure the girth of the guest of honour's waist, and a post cycle measurement will be later compared to this original measurement.

Never say IVF -each guest wears a clothes pin on her collar and if caught saying IVF at any point during the party will lose her pin.

Memory game -A tray of typical items used for IVF is placed out for the group to see. Later in the party guests must try to recall as many as they can. Suggested items include -syringes, vials, alcohol wipes, vitamins, meditation CD's, and lots of cash.

Pin the sperm on egg -and ICSI it while you're at it

Objects in a Jar -Guess the number of used needles the biomedical waste disposal container contains.

Feel free to come up with more of your own....

Baby Showers

23 January 2011

I gave myself permission to stop attending baby showers a while back. It's like these events are put on this earth to test those of us struggling. Quite frankly I'd rather have dental work done than sit through a couple of hours of women swooning over new moms and their little bundles. It's not the babies themselves that bother me, it's the comments from the peanut gallery of guests that do. There's always at least a few speculations on "who's next", or prying comments about the status of my uterus.

The best thing is to avoid going all together, I've decided. If I know the person well, I will go for a visit 1:1 on my own terms (ie: when I haven't just got yet another negative beta phone call) or else I send along a gift with a "sorry I couldn't make it" card.

This week there is a baby shower for another one of the many new moms from work. Of course I'd already declined the invite stating that I had other plans. I don't even know this woman very well, so I'd sort of excused myself from buying a gift as well. That is until someone else had the bright idea that we should all chip in for a group gift. OK fine, but then I started thinking about the money that I'm going to need to shell out in the next few months for these types of events. There are 7 co-workers who have recently started maternity leaves and at $15-$20 a pop this really starts to add up after a while.

Maybe I'm feeling a bit stingy at the moment because after several failed treatments in 2010 we're borrowing and pinching every penny to make IVF attempt #2 happen. I also feel a bit resentful that these women made babies for free, get to take paid maternity leaves, and get showered with gifts. Chipping in for birthday gifts is one thing. Everyone has equal opportunity at having a birthday every year. This is not the same for having a baby.

This got me to thinking that I wish there were "Help Fund My Baby" Showers. Guests could donate moula, or buy gift cards from the clinic of your choice. A online gift registry could be set up to allow invitees to select the right amounts of each type of injection, or whether they'd chip in towrds a larger purchase of an egg retrieval, or embryo transfer procedure. If you have lots of guests, you could even add acupuncture and counseling services to the list. Maybe not as glitzy as unwrapping a bunch of little pink or blue outfits, but very practical!

Clowning Around

20 January 2011

From the BBC NEWS

'Therapeutic clowning' boosts IVF
By Caroline Ryan

Sending in the clowns can significantly increase the chances that fertility treatment will be a success, Israeli researchers have found.

The team looked at women undergoing embryo transfers, where an IVF embryo is put into the womb.

Just over a third of women entertained by a clown conceived, compared to 19% of a group who were not, a European fertility conference heard.

Experts said helping patients relax was the key to increasing conception rates.

“ Clinicians need to be sensitive to the effects of emotions and the psychological pressures on couples ” Dr Mark Hamilton

The research was carried out by Dr Shevach Friedler at the Assaf Harofeh Medical Centre in Zerifin.

Dr Friedler, who attended a movement and mime school in France before he entered the medical profession, said he knew fertility patients became stressed - and that laughter could reduce stress.

And he pointed out that clowns were often used to help children who were in hospital feel better.

The team studied 186 women aged 25 to 40 over 10 months, all of whom were undergoing embryo transfer treatment.

Half were simply given the treatment and nothing else.

However, the other group were entertained by a clown for up to 15 minutes as they recuperated in bed after the treatment.

Of the 93 who did not receive the "clown-treatment", just 18 fell pregnant, compared to 33 of the 93 who did.

Dr Friedler said the team had needed to devise an adult-friendly clown: "A clown with a red nose is fine for children, but we had to invent a new character for these adult women."

The character they devised was a chef called Shlomi Algussi, who uses magic tricks and jokes to make women laugh.

Dr Friedler said: "The response form the women was wonderful."

But he added it was not something all clinics would be able to introduce.

"For medication, you can get the patient to pay, but who is going to pay for clowns?"

Dr Mark Hamilton, chairman of the British Fertility Society, said: "Humour is recognised as an antidote to stress, although it is not prescribed on the NHS.

"But clinicians need to be sensitive to the effects of emotions and the psychological pressures on couples.

"It's an important part of care which should be part of medical practice."

Story from BBC NEWS:
http://news.bbc.co.u...lth/5099188.stm
Published: 2006/06/21 00:02:43 GMT
© BBC 2011

So, watch out the next time you are at your clinic for an ultrasound wanding... a clown might just pop up between your legs, or your RE might don a red nose and a curly multicoloured wig while inserting your embryos.

 

Momentary Freak Out

19 January 2011

I had a momentary freak out yesterday about getting back on the treatment treadmill again. I thought I'd be excited to be getting started up again, but part of me just wants to crawl under a rock and hide away from it all. It's just not possible to do that. The upcoming surgery and IVF cycle have been planned on this time line for good reasons and I've worked so hard to get here it would be crazy to back away and not to give it a good go.

Since my 1st attempt at doing an IVF cycle where things went totally sideways and the cycle was ultimately canceled, I've been on a 3 month break. The only thing I've been doing is popping my DHEA, but otherwise there are no long drives for appointments, no bad news in the stirrup dates with my RE, and no I'm sorry to tell you ___ phone calls. Hubs and I have been maximizing our time in the mountains skiing and doing active things outdoors. I got back into an exercise and eating routine and dropped the extra pounds I'd put on during my cycle. My sleep got back on track, and I was finally starting to feel human again. Life is good, but there is still something missing in our lives -a child.

Then last week I had to see my GP for a pre-op visit, plan more time off work, contact my clinic & wait for a response, connect with my acupuncturist, and arrange hotel stays. That was all going along OK, but, when I got my protocol, I had a moment of panic. I think seeing it in print tipped me over the edge. All the med dosages and appointment dates. How aggressive and unconventional this protocol is. Then there is the cost estimate for the meds alone. $6000 for just 12 days - Gulp! It's not that it was unexpected. My RE warned me that this next cycle would be very short and very expensive. We'll pull the money together somehow. I don't know how many more times we'll be able to do that however.

So I need to gear up for the treadmill to launch into full speed in a few weeks and I hope I can keep up. There is a certain amount of excitement that is there with a first IVF, that is just not there this time. I guess I am feeling a bit gun shy the second time around. In fact I almost don't believe it is really going to happen this time even though my RE is committed to going ahead with the egg retrieval this time no matter how many follicles there are. I first have to get through the surgery, and everything has to fall into place with the early part of the cycle even to get to that stage. The idea of having embryos to transfer seems like so many steps down the line. Getting a real live baby actually seems like an urban myth.

Luckily my counselor was available for a phone session on short notice. It's always so good to talk things over with her.

What's freaking me out? She asked if I was afraid of getting a BFN. No, I can honestly say than if the cycle goes well in terms of follicles, lining, embryos etc, but does not result in a pregnancy I'll be sad but OK knowing that we have the option to try IVF again. However going through all of this only to have a poor response and being told at age 33 that I am no longer IVF material is way scarier than any old BFN. Is that scarier than the alternative (not trying and totally giving up on this dream right now) no. Ok, so soldier on it is. Muster up the strength. Get through one step at a time.

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

17 January 2011

This e-mail came into my inbox recently and thought I'd share it, and my reaction.

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Now you are ready to start a family.

Gosh! If only it were that easy! Us IF couples might actually follow this advice in hopes that on top of pill popping, self administered injections, transvag ultrasounds, painful procedures, endless appointments, acupuncture needles hanging out of every body part, and repeated “I’m sorry to tell you of another BFN” phone calls, that these simple 11 steps might finally do the trick!

Good Holiday Period

13 January 2011

My E-mail:
Happy new year! I'm e-mailing to let you know that my January period has arrived right on schedule. Could you please confirm whether or not I need to take birth control pills prior to my surgery. Also, I am wondering if you could send me an outline of the protocol you plan to use for my next cycle.


My RE's response:
I am glad you have had a good holiday period - and a happy new year to you too. You will not need to take the birth control pills. I will forward you a protocol so you have an idea of what to expect.



LOL! Usually when someone says I'm glad you have had a "good holiday period" they are referring to a nice restful vacation time. Not an RE, they are pleased when you have a good red flow that comes when it is expected. I will never think of a good holiday period in any other way now.

So Crafty...

13 January 2011

I logged onto Facebook the other day to yet another pregnancy announcement. This one bugged me more than usual though. It was an ultrasound photo and the woman had started a "my pregnancy week by week" application telling me she was at 14 weeks. Wait a minute... I went to their wedding this fall in the throes of my IVF cycle, and low and behold that was 14 weeks ago now. As I looked back at my calendar I noticed that I'd be at about this mark had my cycle been successful. Punch in the gut. I promptly hid her and all of her applications from coming into my notifications.

As icing on the cake, she had also changed her profile photo to this image below.

I’m so crafty, I make people

Well, good for you! I’m so clumsy, I need a whole team of people to help make embryos that may or may not become people.

Trouble is my version may not fit as easily on a T-shirt!

E-mail to my RE

09 January 2011

My RE asked me to e-mail him with the start of my next period so he could determine if it was necessary or not to go on birth control pills for the cycle prior to my surgery. Knowing that he is currently away on vacation, as I began drafting my e-mail, it made me chuckle about how I was going to word such a thing. Of course in the real letter I kept it very to the point. BUT this is what my brain was thinking. LOL

Dear Dr. H,

Happy New Year!

I am sure this is all you have been thinking about while on vacation , so just in case you were beginning to worry, I am e-mailing to let you know that my January period has arrived right on schedule. Everything should work out well cycle timing wise for the Feb 8th surgery date without having to use birth control pills.

Oh, and when you have time, I wonder if you'd mind sending me an outline of my protocol with meds dosages so I can read up about it online and obsess about it for the next 6 weeks.

I hope you are having a well deserved break (from ME). I am looking forward to seeing each other again very soon.

Your most high-maintenance and difficult-to-get-rid-of patient,
Silverdollar

Time off Work Dilemma

05 January 2011

OK guys, I need some help on what to do about time off work for IVF in March.

I know it is only just January, and I just got back to work after the holidays, but it's already on my mind. Maybe some of you can help me sort this out.

Some background:

• I live about a 2 hour drive each way from my clinic, so each appointment no matter how minor requires taking at least a half day off, not just being a few minutes late in the morning.
• I have a physical job that requires lifting, bending etc.
• My job is also very emotionally demanding... and I work with babies every day. I find it most difficult when I have to switch from my IF life (especially after bad news in the stirrups) back to my work life.
• Anything more than a couple of days off in a row will require an excuse note from a doctor.
• Fortunately, before IF, I rarely took sick time and have about 6 weeks banked up.
• There are no fill in's when people are away, so others have to pick up the pieces or things get left making a lot to catch up on when you do get back.

I don't wish to share what is really going on for a whole host of reasons, mainly that I have nosy co-workers and I really do not want to have people asking me about my lack of baby making abilities in that environment because I need to hold it together while I am at work. I also do not want to be open for someone else's judgment about what is an acceptable medical reason to take time off. (Luv2cake's situation is a fine example).

I have never told an outright fib though.

In April I had my laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and took 1.5 weeks off for the recovery using a note from my ObGyn.

With my IUI's I took several half days for all the ultrasounds as "medical appointments", and the days of the IUI's I called in sick, except for the one that happened on a Sunday. These were all over the summer when it is less noticeable to be away.

With the last IVF cycle in October, my GP wrote me a note that I needed to be off for "medical reasons" and I simply said I was having more procedures. My supervisor assumed it was another surgery and referred to it as that. Then she started asking me a ton of questions about my medical problems and my "surgery" and I finally had to ask her to back off and tell her that it was private and I did not want to talk about it. I was off for 3 full weeks, and as it turned out even though the cycle fell apart and I didn't need it for the procedures that got canceled, I needed most of that time to emotionally collect myself. I did end up crawling back a bit earlier than expected.

So Feb 8th I have another operative hysteroscopy scheduled and the plan is to try another IVF cycle a few weeks later in early March. On Monday I have a pre-op appointment with my GP and I'm going to have to present another note asking for a week off for the surgery in February.

So that leaves me with what to do about the March IVF. What kind of excuse can I possibly come up with this time? No human being has that much "surgery" in a short time. Should I try to take a chunk of time off again, or just do the half days for the ultrasounds (that's assuming they are all good news and I can face holding babies right away after)? Then there is the time for the procedures assuming I get that far next time. I hesitate to schedule anything ahead of time just in case. How much are you allowed to lift and do physically after an ET? That's my main concern about being at work during that part of the cycle. I might just have to suddenly fall ill, or have an "injury", but I don't want to get caught in a lie and end up having more of a mess to sort out. AND as much as I am hoping for the March IVF to be the magic one, I know it might not be and further cycles might be in my future.

Your input is appreciated. Thanks!

Miracle Musings

03 May 2011

I had the most amazing phone call tonight. A cycle buddy friend from back in my Clomid days rang me up with some incredible news. She just got a natural miracle surprise BFP, and we are going to be pregnancy buddies together. WOW! So cool. I wish her the stickiest vibes available. She’d just gotten her paperwork in for the adoption process and just completed the most gorgeous nursery ever. Build it and they will come, perhaps? They don’t plan to abandon their adoption plans. Hopefully this means she’ll have two little ones close in age one conceived unassisted and the other through adoption.

This got me to thinking about all the other friends I’ve gotten to know here and how much I wish for everyone to get a miracle somehow or another. Whether it is through natural surprise, assisted reproduction, or adoption. I understand that feeling of being so very happy for someone who gets pregnant, but at the same time feeling so very sad and defeated about your own situation. I would never want to add to anyone’s pain. I’m gradually adjusting to life on the other side and finding my new place here on ivf.ca.

I’ve been waffling about whether to continue blogging here or not. I’m certainly not out of the woods yet -I haven’t even had my first u/s yet. I can tell you the worries are just as intense about that as they were during my cycle. But, do people really want to hear about yet another woman who got pregnant after infertility? Even if I am highlighting funny little stories of things that happen, or relating it back to my struggles, what purpose does it serve for me, and for the readers? Hmmm...

New Year's Resolutions

03 January 2011

New year's resolutions are a strange thing. The most common of these are lose weight, pay down a debt, quit smoking etc. What about making a baby? It’s not really something you can resolve to do when you are already doing everything in your power to conceive. Of course, it’s still the first thing I think of when someone asks the question “any resolutions this year?” I think “yep, same as the last 3 new years -start a family”.

A new year's resolution is defined as a commitment that an individual makes to a personal goal, project, or the reforming of a habit. This lifestyle change is generally interpreted as advantageous. A New Years Resolution is generally a goal someone sets out to accomplish in the coming year.

Project =IVF
Commitment =you bet!
Personal goal =get to retrieval and find the golden egg.
Lifestyle change = pregnancy and motherhood
Reforming of a habit = Hmmm... this is where I get stuck because it implies I’ve been doing something wrong all this time and if I just correct that one thing I’ll magically conceive.

If you were a know-it-all fertile advice disher outer you’d say I need to resolve to “just relax” and I’ll be pregnant in no time.

If you are a subscriber to The Secret you’d tell me I just need to think positively and visualize myself with children and poof, the universe will deliver.

If you were a person that believes in karma you’d say if I am a good person and I am meant to be a parent, then it will all work out.

If you believe in alternative medicine you’d tell me I just need to have acupuncture several times a week, and take a truckload of herbs for the duration of the year and that should do it.

So, my real new years resolution is to stand tall to all of these well meaning advice givers and keep in mind that in the end there is an element of luck at play here that nobody can control. I resolve to not blame myself for the failures because I know I am doing everything humanly possible.