One more pregnancy announcement tips the apple cart!

30 April 2010

Vent warning! My workplace has 45 women and 5 (now 6) of them are currently pregnant and another 4 are on mat leave. Nobody at work know about my struggles, except one gal that did IVF. I'd rather keep it that way because I don't want a bunch of nosy Normas asking all the time how things are going. I don't know why but pregnant people seem to be attracted to me, and seem to confide in me, or at least love to complain to me about all things pregnant. I try to be a nice person, but I think I'm getting more bitter.

It's been quite a morning so far for this infertile in pregnantville. To start the day, a pregnant co-worker came into the coffee room and I watched in horror as she filled her oversized Starbucks travel cup with full caff coffee while I sat there sipping my fertility friendly cup of hot water with lemon. She then started rummaging through the cupboard and threw a little fit because we were out of honey (didn't think she was supposed to have that either) but bit my tongue and suggested she add it to the shopping list. Then still in the coffee room another co-worker who is having a scheduled C-section next month started telling me about how terrified she was about it. It turns out her OB is the same one that just did my surgery, and she will be meeting him for the first time next week. I ended up reassuring her that he was a good Dr. etc. Then less than an hour later yet another person announced her pregnancy status to me. I managed to squeeze out a very flat "congrats". She is 11 weeks and has been just been put on lifting restrictions by her doctor. She informed me that I will have to do all of the lifting for the patients we have in common. Ahem! I'm still fairly freshly post-op myself here. Oh well, suck it up, soldier on. Now for lunch and hope the afternoon is a little smoother. Maybe someday I'll earn a membership to the club too?

The Roller Coaster Ride

29 April 2010

I had an "ah ha" moment and I think I've figured it out! There was a long line to get onto the TTC roller-coaster when climbed aboard, and there were no tickets left to allow us to sit side by side like most of the average fertile couples. He ended up taking a seat two cars back from me -close enough to communicate, but too far to have the same experience. Every time I am headed down he's on his way up, and just as things are starting to look up for me he's headed down. Smart in a way, because it probably keeps us more balanced and stops us from just giving up and getting off the ride all together. For now we'll just have to hold on and endure the ride while we hope that eventually we'll be awarded a prize at this goofy fair.

The fine line between of optimism & realism -not sure where to draw it?

26 April 2010

Hubbie and I rarely argue but my renewed optimism around getting pregnant, maybe even on one of these next few natural cycles, has resulted in some heated discussions recently. He told me the other night that he thinks I'm being too positive about things, and it makes him uncomfortable when I talk about it actually happening instead of always prefacing my statements with "if it ever happens". For so many months I was feeling so negative and in my darkest moments he'd always be there putting things into perspective and trying to cheer me up by saying he thought it would work out for us eventually. After going through surgery and finally getting some answers and positive news from the doctors, now he's upset that I'm feeling more hopeful?!?! I just don't get it. Surely the happier me is easier to deal with than that sad sorry soul I had become there for a while? I am not expecting miracles, I know these things are never a guarantee even if we follow the IUI, IVF plan that the RE laid out. It's just nice to think that the little flicker I see from time to time might just be our light at the end of the tunnel. We have a very solid relationship and we've sorted things out since. I will never quite understand the male brain though. Do you think this is his way of trying to protect me from a big disappointment when my next period arrives, or am I just over thinking this and he's just bummed that he lost the ice cream bet?

Winner of the ice cream contest

21 April 2010

Today is 2 weeks post surgery. I had my follow up visit with the ObGyn this afternoon and he was very pleased with the outcome of the surgery, and my recovery. He thinks that the polyp and the stage 1 endo adhesion were both factors in our difficulties conceiving. Now that they are gone, and everything else looked healthy, he's very hopeful that we'll be successful conceiving on our own.
Hubs and I have a little ice cream bet going about ovulating post surgery. He thinks my body has been through a trauma and will probably not ovulate this cycle. I'm standing firm that I will. The doctor wasn't willing to enter his bet into this dispute. I've been monitoring with OPK's and they've only had light lines the last couple of days. So, when I got home from the Dr.'s visit I peed on the ovulation stick and voila -a nice line darker than the control! So, I guess it's time to get a wiggle on -after I eat my marble slab ice cream sundae that Hubbie will be buying me, of course!

Back at it again

19 April 2010

It's back in the saddle again with life. I'm feeling good -almost like a normal person again, well as "normal" as I ever get. Today I put in a full day at work, and didn't need a nap when I got home -now that's progress. Now that I'm all healed up and the intercourse restriction is lifted, we've ventured back into that oh-so-familiar territory of trying on our own again. I'm charting my temperatures and taking the ovulation tests as I am not sure when my unleashed ovaries will decide to ovulate next. Hubs and I are betting an ice cream cone on this one. He thinks that I won't ovulate this first cycle post surgery, I think I will. I'll keep you posted as to who gets to enjoy a yummy treat.

Pants are back!

16 April 2010

I've realized that simple things in life can really make a girl happy. Take getting your pants back for instance. I rarely weigh myself, but know if I've put on a pound of two based on how my pants fit. They never lie! After living in joggers and yoga pants for the past week, it was so strange to slip into work pants again. At first they felt tight on my incisions with my still bloated abdomen. I had to leave the top button undone and wear a long shirt the first day. I wondered if I had put on a few from all this lying around. Today, my pants went on like a breeze. Ahhh, it's so good to have my pants back.

Back to work, and other things...

15 April 2010

I'm feeling so much better, but have to regularly remind myself not to over do it. Thank you ivf.ca ladies for that reminder! I don't need to be a superhero here! Yesterday, I went to work for a couple of hours just to attend meetings and check my messages. I came home and had a two hour nap afterward. I think the most exhausting part was everyone asking why I was away. Knowing my workplace full of women all too well, I was prepared for this and thought long and hard about the best response. I decided to say that I had to have some minor surgery and thought I'd only be off a couple of days, but the recovery is taking a bit longer than expected. Only a couple of nosy Normas and asked what kind of surgery I had. I just vaguely replied "abdominal, but everything is fine now" and left it at that. My immediate supervisor knows that it was gynecological surgery (but not the infertility bit). I figured that way she won't worry that I might have serious life threatening health issues, and maybe she will be less surprised if I need to ask for time off for fertility treatments a few months down the road.

I'm happy to be back at work, and getting a sense of normalcy back into my life again. I'll be even happier when I can be back doing all my regular sports etc. For now I'm just walking and Kegaling to get things back in shape. My insides are still a little sore and I find I have to lie down after being upright (sitting or standing) for several hours. I've organized my schedule so I won't see anybody that needs to be lifted from a wheelchair, any chubby babies, or any unpredictable kiddies that might bump or kick me until later next week. Today and tomorrow I will work half days and see only 2 kids each day. Monday and Tuesday I've limited it to 3 appointments, but have the flexibility to cancel things if needed.

Wednesday I see the ObGyn again. Hubbie is looking forward to being off sex restrictions soon (me too)! It's funny how these things change. The Dr. ordered intercourse for 7 days in a row while I was on Clomid felt like a real marathon. Now that we have a fresh start with a clean slate, maybe we'll be like randy teenagers again. We're planning a camping trip next weekend -somewhere remote where we won't have neighbours to disturb!

The Road to Recovery

13 April 2010

Tomorrow it will be one week since I had my surgery (laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, hydrotubation and D&C). I am now minus a few bits (adhesion, uterine polyp, and endometriosis specs), continuing to carrying two beautiful twin fibroids, and am sporting a very unique bikini line (refer to previous post for details on that one).
Originally the plan was to return to work full speed ahead yesterday, but it was looking like this plan was going to need some adjusting. I just had my first real meal Sunday night, was still relying on Tylenol every 3 hours and several naps to get through the day, and still felt too foggy to drive. Since my job involves a lot of lifting, bending, and driving, I knew work was not going to be a reality for at least a couple more days. My boss was great, and told me they'd take care of canceling my appointments and to take as much time as I needed (she knew I was having gynecological surgery, but not the reason why). The employer did require a Dr.'s note stating when I was fit to be back at work before coming back though.
Hmmm... the Gyn has essentially discharged me, and the RE doesn't want to see me for 8 weeks. I tried the GP's office and they offered me an appointment with my Dr. two and a half weeks away -not so helpful. I called my Gyn's office and feeling like a big wimp, described where I was at. The nurse was surprised that the Dr. had told me I'd be fully recovered by today. She agreed it was reasonable to take a couple more days off, and suggested returning to work part days Wed-Fri this week and back to full days next Monday. She wrote the letter up herself and said she'd have the Dr. sign it and leave it for me to pick up. She also booked me in to see the Gyn for one more follow up visit next week. Of course I didn't say no to that because I've got lots of questions about the surgery. This lady is on it!
So, the road to recovery is getting a lot less bumpy (unlike my bikini line which is starting to fill in with stubble). Yesterday I made some significant improvements. I'm proud to say that I ate three full meals, did a 30 minute walk, some light housework, had only had 2 short naps, and went 4 hours between doses of Tylenol before my insides reminded me that they are still a bit cranky. Today is going to be even better! Soon well be back on the TTC bus again -minus some baggage that was weighing us down.

The Reverse Brazilian

11 April 2010

I'm now several days into the recovery from surgery, with some days better than others, I think I'm finally turning a corner. To my surprise this morning my steri-strips came off in the shower to reveal a big strip of missing hair down there! I've heard friends talk about getting a Brazilian wax job where they remove most of the hair except for a landing strip down the middle. My very interesting bikini line is exactly the opposite of that -let's call it a "reverse Brazilian". This newest trend is only available by getting on a waiting list to visit your local operating room, and having a general anesthetic. This procedure has some minor side effects of pain, bruising, bloating, nausea, and fatigue, and a risk of infection. You will be limited to wearing only a specific style of bikini with a little skirt to provide generous coverage on the sides, and a cover up to hide the bloating and bruising described above. With spring here and summer fast approaching you better get your name on the list before the season ends. All the cool people are doing it!

Surgery Results Are In

08 April 2010

Well, the surgery was a success yesterday. It looks like we no longer have "unexplained infertility". It turns out that there was not just one mass, I was carrying multiples!

The diagnostic laparoscopy revealed:

Fred -the small fibroid picked up on the transvaginal ultrasound on the outside of the back of my uterus.
Filbert -Fred's twin on the outside of the front of my uterus
Addison -an band of endometriosis adhesion tying down one ovary

The hysteroscopy revealed:

Polly -a small polyp inside of the uterus.

The girls were all removed, while the boys will stay along for the ride. Amazing that all these little things were in there and I had no symptoms other than the infertility. The ovaries themselves were normal (which eased my biggest fear). They ran dye through the fallopian tubes again to make sure they were still clear, and they were both fine. They also did a D&C to clear out the thick endometrial lining.

Because he said I would not remember anything when he talked to me about in the recovery room, my ObGyn gave me a printout of 8 photos to take home with detailed notes handwritten below each one. At the bottom he wrote "I will leave you in the capable hands of Dr. Hudson from here on in. These findings should not be an issue for pregnancy, and I would be happy to see you again to provide your prenatal care in the future". I cried in relief reading those words.

Hubbie was a great support -he waited with me at the hospital until I went in. Originally they were running ahead of schedule so called to ask us to come in early, then they were running behind, so I spent 3 hours in the waiting room in my gown and paper booties wrapped in a thin blanket to try to stay warm. Later Hubbie came back to pick me up armed with a bouquet of flowers. A friend dropped by some magazines in the morning and another friend delivered dinner to our doorstep.

Now for the recovery. The anesthetist kindly mixed up a cocktail for my IV that prevented any nausea. I did have the post anesthetic fuzzy head though. I also had virtually no pain until later yesterday -thank you morphine. Once that wore off, last night was a bit rough. I'd get two hours of sleep before waking up in pain, and have to wait another hour to take my Tylenol 3's. I'm planning on taking it easy today and letting hubs and my mom take turns doting on me.

Surgery tomorrow

06 April 2010

Well, my pregnancy test at the lab was negative, so surgery it will be tomorrow. The Gyn's office finally confirmed that it wasn't a problem to add the hysteroscopy and D&C onto this diagnostic laparoscopy that I've had booked since October. My triple header spring cleaning surgery is at 1:45 pm. What I am going to find to do with my hungry self all morning, I'm not sure -maybe poke around on this site? I'm ready and armed at home with my basket of goodies for the recovery (books, movies, Tylenol, throat lozenges, ginger ale, bland foods to nibble, heating pad, maxi pads, and comfy yoga pants). Part of me is a scared, and the other part is looking forward to knowing what they find in there -will it be a Fred (fibroid) or an Edna (endo cyst)? Like every other step in the journey, I know I just have to be strong and get through this in order to get closer to our dream of a baby. I wish it was easier and we could just forget the condom once and be pregnant, but it's just not that way for so many of us.

The return of the maxi pad

03 April 2010

Well, it looks like the humble maxi pad and I are going to rekindle our friendship for a while. It's been many years since we were buddies, I was maybe 12 and was too grossed out by the thought of inserting a tampon down there. About 5 years ago I started using a Diva cup and haven't looked back. With my upcoming laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and D&C this week, I will need some exterior protection. The memory of the hospital issued sanitary napkin (circa 1960 with a garter belt and snaps) that the nurse handed me after my HSG motivated me to get stocked up on my own supply. So, what's new in the world of menstrual pads -well a lot it seems. 20 years ago I remember you had a choice of two brands Kotex or Always, that was that. You grabbed the one closest to your reach and quietly tucked them in the shopping cart while your dad pretended to look the other way. You blushed as you waited at the checkout hoping that they wouldn't have to announce a "price check on aisle 4 for Always Junior pads". While combing the drugstore shelves this morning, I discovered that there are now dozens of brands. With wings, without, extra long, regular, mini-maxi. There are lots of green choices too with biodegradable pads, unbleached pads, reusable cloth pads. The good old standard Kotex have a new box design but the contents are the same thick and bulky numbers I remember. Hmmm... well I think the cloth pad sounds good in theory, but do I really want to be standing over a sink wringing them out while recovering from surgery, not likely and hubbie would not be thrilled to volunteer to do that task either. I don't like the thought of adding more strain to the overflowing landfill, so the unbleached biodegradable ones seem like the best compromise. I'll give them a whirl. It might be a bit awkward at first, but hopefully we'll get comfortable with each other again very quickly just like an old girlfriend who you haven't seen in a while.

A name for my little mystery mass

01 April 2010

Well, I found out recently that I have some sort of mystery mass on the outside of my uterus and will be having surgery next week to investigate. The Gyn thinks it might be an endometriosis cyst, while the RE is betting on a fibroid. Ok self, I could pout about this new development, or I could inject some humor into the situation to help me get through the next little while. I've seen people here pick cute little names for their embryos. I was thinking since I can't think about potential baby names yet, why not chose an appropriate name to give my little mass. I'd like something classic, but not too trendy. My favourites so far are Edna for a girl (endo), or Fred for a boy (fibroid). Any other suggestions would be most appreciated. We will find out Wednesday April 7th what the gender is. The Dr. has even promised to give us photos.