13 December 2010
I am so sick of these kinds of comments and questions! People can be so insensitive without even realizing how much pain they are causing others! DH and I left fairly early in the evening because he was still getting over his cold. That suited me just fine. After the food and music finished, it would have been more of that small talk and uncomfortable mingling. I wanted to leave on a high note.
It is my personal preference that I choose not to share anything about IF at work. It's all baby/kids all the time in my line of work. Because I work with babies, I get asked this very question in it's many forms during the course of my job at least once a week (no exaggeration). Also, people in my office are very nosy and just love to know all about other people's private business. The last thing I want is a ton of questions (directly or behind my back) about IF/IVF. I need to have one part of my life where I can pretend things are normal and carry on as usual. So in order to hold myself together at work to do my job with the little ones, I need to keep it this way especially with parents with whom I have strictly a professional relationship with -it would just not be an appropriate conversation to start up when they ask if I have kids, want kids etc.
I am much more open with friends/acquaintances outside of work, and have given responses that are a bit more blunt or honest. It depends what kind of a mood I am in. Sometimes I'm just not up to being a spokeswoman for the infertility cause. Most people will never get it unless they've experienced it personally anyway no matter how much explaining you do.
Mostly a venting blog here, but if anyone has a response that had shut people up with their questions without sharing the very personal information that you might be having trouble conceiving, let er rip.
I think if someone asks 'So, when are you going to have a baby?' you should reply with something like:
ReplyDelete'When are you gonna schedule your next pap? Oh... sorry, I thought we were both asking inappropriate questions...' LOL
Something like that anyway... depending on who is asking of course.. a perfectly GREAT answer for someone you hardly know...
<3
Bella16, 13 December 2010 - 10:03 PM
When people asked us when we were going to have a baby I would just respond with "Wouldn't that be nice if we did some day". They never knew really how to respond and the conversation moved on.
It's seems that the only people that don't ever ask you that usually are struggling with fertility issues as well.
LesleyM, 13 December 2010 - 10:24 PM
I like Lesley's response. I think its perfect.
Lilygirl2727, 14 December 2010 - 03:47 AM
I HATE that question...like my toes curl just thinking about it. Although I am 8w6d pg via DE IVF, just last week at coffee a fairly new employee who I was coffee'ing with asked how long we have been married. I say 9 years in a few weeks...and she says...any kids?...I just squirmed in my chair and said..."no...no kids". She just looked at me like really wierd. My face had to have looked awkward or painful or something as this question gets me everytime!! If I see someone say in a grocery store or wherever that I have not seen in a long time I make every effort to avoid them for fear of this question. So I feel for you...
LisainSK, 14 December 2010 - 07:57 AM
I can symphasize with you totally! Where I work everyone (and I mean everyone) has gotten pregnant and left. The attrition here is the highest I have ever seen and it's due to having about ten people out on maternity leave at all times. I am the only woman of childbearing age left who hasn't gotten pregnant or left on maternity leave. I work in a department of three people and this summer two of the three were preggo. I know that I am watched all the time becasue of this (for a growing belly) and I get the annoying questions daily.
Akristyn, 14 December 2010 - 07:58 AM
I usually say "Making babies is not as easy as they scare you into thinking in highschool" and ppl usually shut up. Actually they usually, shut up, and walk away. It's enough info that they feel uncomfortable persuing any further, but not enough info to reveal anything particular. It also has a hint of humour. I have never once had anyone persue anything further from that.
Even now that I am pregnant I get "is this just your first" and I say the same thing. It answers the question and closes the conversation nicely
BabyVibez, 14 December 2010 - 09:09 AM
((HUGS)) I've never understood why so many people think that someone's reproduction is any of their business. It drove me nuts even before we started trying.
I work with a lot of women of fertile women and with the exception of my amazing boss I've kept IF completely out of my work life. My favorite response when people make comments about how I'm next or whatever is just to look at them like they are idiots and say "Yeah... I'm pretty sure that's not how it works." It's worked every time.
Erin_G, 14 December 2010 - 09:31 AM
Whenever someone asks "so when are YOU going to have a baby?", I say "whenever I get pregnant!". Idiots. I rarely get those questions anymore though, since being so open about my infertility.
ReplyDeletepapoose76, 14 December 2010 - 10:01 AM
I like papoose's response.
I was in line at the liquor store a few months after losing my twins and the guy ahead decided to share that his wife was preg with twins.
WTF - I thought I was 'safe' at the liqour store. The 'insensitives' are everywhere - never let down your guard.
4leggedbaby, 14 December 2010 - 10:48 AM
Thanks guys! I think I like Lesley's response best. It's kind of along the lines of vague enough to be non-revealing, not defensive sounding, but still doesn't leave you as vulnerable to the next barrage of questioning.
silverdollar, 14 December 2010 - 12:14 PM
((HUGS)) SD. Sorry that your grownup night out was a little tainted.
I still hate those questions. Even after DD was born, I kept getting "So I guess it's time for another one soon, eh?!"
I wanted to reply, "Well, soon is all relevant since DD took 2 and half years, a barrage of tests, two fertility clinics and a date with a turkey baster in order to conceive."
I also like Lesley's response. It's not what your heart wants to say, but it's definitely the most tactful!
Baxie, 14 December 2010 - 01:23 PM
Silver,
I think you've made the right choice not to share at work. I shared with one person outside of my close friends at work and the whole damn place knows that I am pregnant with donor sperm after ivf. I haven't gotten any innapropriate questions about it, but I am saddened that everyone knows my little one's story. I regret sharing with that one person. Although it seemed easier at the time to be open, I wish I'd had this arsenal of great come backs.
trying4apositive, 14 December 2010 - 04:50 PM
I shared only with a couple of close girlfriends and my sister.... but after 8 years marriage we were constantly faced with a barrage of questions. One woman at work dared to suggest that it was time that DH and I settled down and had a family "we'd had enough fun".... wouldn't she like to know how much fun needles, vagina scans and constant dread of AF arriving are!
Anyway, my standard response to do you have kids?, was "not yet" and if that was followed by further questions about when, I'd just smile and say "one day".
People are tactless and some border on downright nosey. Even now I'm pregnant we've had a couple of people ask if it was fertility treatment (I'm having a singleton!). WTF! I just smile and say we were late starters!
Kiwi, 14 December 2010 - 05:02 PM
Yeah, sharing at work would put me in such an awkward position. Not a good idea. I'm not quite sure what they are going to think of all my "surgeries". I took time off for a lap in April, then in October for IVF, now I have another hysteroscopy in Feb, and more IVF in March. Who knows where it will go after that -maybe time off to visit the looney bin!
silverdollar, 14 December 2010 - 06:44 PM