02 December 2010
I actually had to remind myself the other day that having a baby is the ultimate intended outcome of all of this. I have totally lost sight of that goal. I tell myself if I can just get through another surgery and have a better response to the meds to have a chance at IVF, then I’ll be satisfied. But, what happened to being a mom?
It’s not about getting a good ovarian response, getting to egg retrieval, making embryos, having something to transfer, having a good enough lining for them to nestle in and grow, having a first ever positive test, or even getting though the next 9 months. In the end the ultimate goal is to have a child of my own to take home, care for and raise. I can’t even fathom it right now. Maybe it’s a way of protecting myself from how painful it all is.
All of that seems so far from my reality right now, so many steps ahead of where I am stuck. I used to think IVF was the fall back after nothing else worked, the sure thing with great success rates. It’s incredible to me now that it actually can all come together and little people can arise from all of this. It truly is a miracle.
It’s not about getting a good ovarian response, getting to egg retrieval, making embryos, having something to transfer, having a good enough lining for them to nestle in and grow, having a first ever positive test, or even getting though the next 9 months. In the end the ultimate goal is to have a child of my own to take home, care for and raise. I can’t even fathom it right now. Maybe it’s a way of protecting myself from how painful it all is.
All of that seems so far from my reality right now, so many steps ahead of where I am stuck. I used to think IVF was the fall back after nothing else worked, the sure thing with great success rates. It’s incredible to me now that it actually can all come together and little people can arise from all of this. It truly is a miracle.
It seems so far away and foreign, doesn't it? Everytime I see a baby, I tell the mother that she is so lucky. It's amazing how conception happens in "fertile" women, without them knowing the process. I think they would be amazed as we are if they knew.
ReplyDeletepapoose76, 02 December 2010 - 01:13 PM
((Hugs to you))
foxburybaby, 02 December 2010 - 02:16 PM
I often feel the same way. It was always a process of:
if I can just get to IUI...
if I can just get to IVF...
if I can just get to ER...
if they can just continue to grow...
if I can just make it to ET...
It always seemed like I had a "the next step will be what works" and each time I got knocked down I scrambled to figure out what my "next step" would be. Sigh. The only thing I figured out along the way was that the next step was often just figuring out how to put one foot in front of the other, that's all I was capable of most days.
XO
kerrilyn, 02 December 2010 - 02:29 PM
Wow I totally relate to this. Actually having a baby in our home that we are the parents of is such a far away concept. You're right I really forget that is the point too. I try to keep myself thinking one step at a time and having a baby is like a million steps down the line but yes that really is the point of all this isn't it!
Yvonne, 02 December 2010 - 03:59 PM
Can I ever relate to this! We went for a walk and we were talking about next steps and then we decided to shift gears and talk about all the things we want to teach and do with our child! That brought us back to center, and to each other. I started to feel like I was the only one on this trip since its me doing all the stuff. We do need to take a step back and remind ourselves what it is we wanted in the beginning :banana:
JuneBug, 02 December 2010 - 06:41 PM
I think about this all the time! I always say to my hubbie... whenever this process finally works for us, I am going to be "Okay. Now what?"
So easy to get caught up in this whole process you forget what started it all in the first place.
4Leaf Clover, 02 December 2010 - 07:15 PM
I too can totally relate. I can't even "picture myself" pregnant and always think that that is really bad (like a really bad sign or something). I am completely focused on the process and the fact that it may result in a baby isn't really internalized.
wannakid, 02 December 2010 - 07:49 PM
It sure is a miracle...hoping yours is just around the corner!
LisainSK, 03 December 2010 - 03:09 PM
My DH and I are in our first IVF cycle and it seems crazy, but I fully believe this is the only way I stay sane. The final goal seems so out of touch right now ... If i can just pass each hurdle, maybe, just maybe, we can make it to the end.
Hollie384, 03 December 2010 - 09:43 PM
It feels like some kind of test I have to pass to prove to myself and others I can get pregnant, to become validated, to be female, to be young. That is why we've taken a break and might not go back. It became all about me and less about the two of us, let alone possibly 3 of us!
Heck, I don't feel any more affection for babies or children than I did at 10, 20, 30 or 35! So it's very difficult to explain why we were doing it. Obviously imagining it would all be different with my own...
Back to topic - you are right on the money to realise you have to keep checking why you're doing this. Well done. Sadly, the more one fails, the more miraculous pregnancy seems and the more useless on feels. :banana:
Good Fortune, 04 December 2010 - 10:40 AM