The Missing Blog Post

This was a blog post that never got published. Why? It was just put away in the "too hard" pile for a while because I was in a really tender place at the time and was not looking for comments or advice. So, I wrote it out on paper instead, and have been waiting for the right moment to share it.  I'm not sure if it's ever the right moment, but I guess it seems safe now so here goes...

March 1, 2011


Dear Blog,

After waiting 4 months, being on DHEA, and having surgery in order to cycle again, my second attempt at starting an IVF cycle was canceled due to a single dominant follicle, a dismal antral follicle count (3), and a high progesterone level on day 2. My RE sat me down and suggested that he had one more trick to pull out of his hat -estrogen priming during the luteal phase as a last ditch effort at getting an IVF cycle off the ground. I then asked what we could do if that didn't work, and out came the words I'd been bracing for "have you thought at all about DONOR EGGS?" I told him that I had thought about it, but I would really like to at least get to egg retrieval with my own 33 year old eggs before going that route. He said he knew I felt that way and would do everything he could to get me to retrieval, but with my low numbers and suspected poor egg quality, we should know that our chances would be much lower than average (maybe only about 5%). To me it was worth spending the $12 000 on the IVF cycle, if only to have closure on my eggs, so we agreed on that plan. I know that most other clinics would have written me off, and not allowed me to go forward with a cycle because it would hurt their stats (usually the numbers reported for women under 35 is 50-60% success per cycle).

I held it together until we left the office and then cried for the whole two hour drive home in the car, and on and off for the rest of that day. Pull it together SD, things could be worse.

Was it a total shocker? Not really. In a way it was a bit of a relief to finally hear him say it. It had never been brought up before, so I actually wondered whether there were other reasons that would make it a non-option (eg: my lining). It's comforting in a way knowing there are other options available that would still allow me to experience a pregnancy. At least the baby would still be genetically related to my husband.


On the other hand, it did feel like a huge blow. I'm 33, not 43. When we started to TTC 3 years ago, I did not imagine we'd be faced with this reality -that's one of the reasons we started trying when we were still well under 35.  Just a few months ago the same RE was confident he'd get me pregnant with IUI. Then it was IVF that would be the ultimate solution even if it took more than one try. How did we find ourselves getting the donor egg speech already? 

I know I need to stay focused on the cycle at hand, and who knows, we might just get lucky. However, here I am with a busy brain trying to wrap my head about this donor egg scenario. Would we look for an altruistic donor in Canada, and stay with our RE and clinic, or would we travel to a country where there are agencies set up to help match people and it is legal to pay a donor? Do I know anyone done having her family with eggs to spare? Would the donor be the same age as me (or even older than me) but just have better eggs? Would the child look at all like me? Would I bond with the baby the same?


I put out some feelers to a couple of women from ivf(dot)ca, and they were very helpful in answering some of those questions.  I look at it like a way of dipping my toe into the water to see what the temperature was like just to see if I'd be interested in going for a swim later. Of course I'd rather stay dry and go for a hike instead. However, since swimming may be in my cards, it's probably something I should know a little more about so I can file it away for later reference if needed. I don't need too much at this point about the finer details.  They offered some helpful advice, and I know I'm not going to be swimming alone in the dark if I do decide to make the leap into the water in the near future.


I'll file it all away for now, including this paper blog post to myself, and go through the motions of this cycle still with hope, but lowered expectations.

I'm tearing up now, while typing this out. I am still amazed every time I think back about just how fortunate we are that I got pregnant on that last ditch cycle my own eggs when we only had two to work with. Wow, what a crazy outcome to the the whole story.