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Monday, 26 April 2010
The fine line between of optimism & realism -not sure where to draw it?
Hubbie and I rarely argue but my renewed optimism around getting pregnant, maybe even on one of these next few natural cycles, has resulted in some heated discussions recently. He told me the other night that he thinks I'm being too positive about things, and it makes him uncomfortable when I talk about it actually happening instead of always prefacing my statements with "if it ever happens". For so many months I was feeling so negative and in my darkest moments he'd always be there putting things into perspective and trying to cheer me up by saying he thought it would work out for us eventually. After going through surgery and finally getting some answers and positive news from the doctors, now he's upset that I'm feeling more hopeful?!?! I just don't get it. Surely the happier me is easier to deal with than that sad sorry soul I had become there for a while? I am not expecting miracles, I know these things are never a guarantee even if we follow the IUI, IVF plan that the RE laid out. It's just nice to think that the little flicker I see from time to time might just be our light at the end of the tunnel. We have a very solid relationship and we've sorted things out since. I will never quite understand the male brain though. Do you think this is his way of trying to protect me from a big disappointment when my next period arrives, or am I just over thinking this and he's just bummed that he lost the ice cream bet?
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Hi! I've been following your blog here and there since you mentioned that you're seeing Dr. H @ VFC. Me too; will be there in May for IVF # 2.
ReplyDeleteI think you should be happy when you feel like it! I'm certain that we're all easier to be around when we're happy, and I can't help but think that it might even do our bodies some good.
My DH and I had this discussion after my dad cautioned me about getting too excited before our first IVF. We decided that we could be cautious all the time and depressed if we got let down, or we could be positive all the way and depressed if we got let down ... Being cautious didn't help our results any, and it didn't make it hurt any less.
Be happy, you deserve it--I think all this new stuff is exciting for you :) Keep making your ice cream bets (although I suppose it wouldn't hurt to let your DH win next time; something I've learned about the male brain!) Ha ha.
Redd
Reddhedd, 26 April 2010 - 09:22 PM
I think that your husband just loves you so much that he's afraid to see you hurt. It always seems the fall is farther when you come from the highs of hope. Really, I don't know that it is. He likely just wants to make sure you don't get hurt. As much as he wants to believe with you he wants to protect you and sometimes guys just have a funny way of playing protector.
Good Luck
D
DesignerBug, 27 April 2010 - 07:24 AM
It's hard to say. DH and I go back and forth on who is the optimist and who is the pessimist. Somewhere in the middle is realism. I think ultimately we're starting to be pretty fatalistic, and realizing that we have little control over the process except what we personally put into it. The saying "expect the worst but hope for the best" is hard to apply in this situation, because hoping for the best is really really scary. It makes disappointment that much keener. We too have started using "if" instead of "when" in our conversations, and there's this undercurrent of anxiety over facing that possibility. But we try very hard to be a team.
My biggest fear in the beginning was that he would leave me for someone else who could give him children. I was somewhat selfishly and horribly pleased to discover that we have MF issues as well, so it's not like he could just divorce me and knock up somebody else. After 16 years together, we're in it for the long haul, and if that means we don't have a family, then at least we have each other.
But I think men in general have a harder time dealing with this process, because they're not experiencing it physically the same way we are. They feel emasculated and helpless, and they're not dealing with all the crazy hormones and injections and ultrasounds and blood tests. Hell, their biggest contributing is jacking off! Not exactly unpleasant for most DHs! So I think they feel guilty that they're not suffering more, or doing more to help.
In the same way that we might feel a primal sense of failure for not being able to get pregnant, they feel the same sense of failure for not GETTING us pregnant. I think it's very basic, biologically speaking.
feydruss, 27 April 2010 - 08:36 AM
Feydruss you are shocking! But yes, up until we found that everything is not rosy with me, I did get some satisfaction thinking it was just a sperm issue we were dealing with. He had to endure 2 years of thinking it was just his fault, until my issues balance up the scale!
In general I am the pessimist. DH is kind of realistic and fatalistic. I am at my happiest when I go right off the idea of babies altogether! Isn't that a defence mechanism?
Good Fortune, 27 April 2010 - 11:15 AM
I think your experience is actually quite common. As one partner goes UP (and this thing is a roller coaster ride) the other worries that if things don't work out for whatever reason, the fall will be much greater and more painful. So they try and even things out. When one partner goes way DOWN the other partner naturally tries to cheer them up. My observation is that the partner receiving the implantation and/or medication is on the ride so the other partner takes on the role of "leveller".
ReplyDeleteAt its best, this tendency keeps the couple from see-sawing too badly and keeps them on course, as often this journey is a marathon, not a sprint. At its worst, each starts going even further, so the person on the high tries to get the leveller up with them, who responds by getting even more pessimistic. Then we have the fight about "you just seem to have given up / you don't care / you don't even seem excited that this is working."
Not to be a stereotyper but where gender roles are involved, 99% of the time my guess is it's the woman who is cycling who is on the ride while the man tries futilely to keep it all locked down emotionally. There are exceptions, Good Fortune above seems to be one of them.
It's all the same dilemma. We want to hope, we want to be optimistic. We are afraid of getting hurt, so we try to keep ourselves level, but it doesn't work.
My advice (yay, just what everyone wants to hear) is: feel what you feel, let DH feel what he feels, but don't assume he is actually telling you how he feels. Some people (especially men!) hide their true feelings because they feel sharing them would only add to their partner's burden.
Tryp, 27 April 2010 - 12:06 PM
What can I say, GF? I try to be honest, even if not always with myself. :)
feydruss, 27 April 2010 - 12:31 PM
Thank you for your wisdom! It is so true about him being the leveller, and the protector. It's also a change for us going from the past 9 months thinking our only issue was a possible male factor (his morphology is a bit low) to knowing now that it was me all along (my tied down ovary and polyp were silently hiding inside). The vitamin basket is now full of my stuff instead of his. He can't really put into words what's going on inside his head, so I guess I don't need to try to explain my thoughts to him entirely either. My plan is to just be happy and optimistic inside right now, but not too verbose about it with DH. And yes, the next ice cream bet, I will make sure that the odds are stacked a little more in his favour.
silverdollar, 27 April 2010 - 04:31 PM
I could have written this blog. In fact, I've definitely written a similar post elsewhere - are you stealing my material (hands on hips). haha, just kidding! As others have voiced above, this is pretty normal (as far as IF goes).
ReplyDeleteAfter we saw our first RE and did initial testing I wasn't ready to jump into traditional treatments. I started alternative stuff. First acupuncture, then a naturopathic doctor. Oh and some even more out there alternatives like an iridologist. Randine Lewis convinced me that I COULD cure my infertility. DH was pretty supportive, but eventually his true feelings that it wouldn't work came out. He worried that I was putting all of my eggs in one basket (pardon the pun!) and that I would be disappointed. I think he worried that he would be the one left to pick up the pieces after the fall out and that the shattered aftermath would be quite a mess to clean up. In truth I had some pretty frustrated, disappointed, disillusioned days during that period. It was before my ivf.ca days. By the time I came here I had accepted that alternative treatment wasn't going to be enough to overcome whatever it was we were facing. By then we were truly unexplained, but simply not having anything "wrong" wasn't resulting in pregnancy. I think (I hope!) I went through my darkest IF days long before contemplating ART. I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready to face the answers that ART held. Sure, there is lots of reasons to hope and believe that ART will work. But there is the possibility it won't and I wasn't ready to face that. I didn't know if I could handle the answer if the answer is "no". I'm in a place now where if no is the answer I can get through that and I'll be okay. I think DH now thinks I'm not being positive enough about this cycle, our first. My attitude is that we will definitely have more information, if this cycle doesn't work there is lots of other things we can try and I have a good game plan. I know I picked a doc that I have great faith in and that no matter how this journey ends for me I'll be able to look back and say I did everything I could.
You're blessed to have a DH who loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt. While its frustrating to hear "You're putting too much into this working", its coming from a place of love and protection.
I don't one bit regret the time we spent trying to ttc naturally. I think as long as you know you won't feel this time is wasted then it's fine to continue to hope that it will still happen naturally. Because it very well could and if its going to its most likely to in the next few months. And if you move on, you are moving on with one of the best doctors that ANYONE could chose, so you have a really terrific back up plan. You're already not putting all of your eggs in one basket so to speak!
Luckypenny, 28 April 2010 - 09:42 AM
Luckypenny -I didn't steal your material -I swear! Unlike you I would have taken the ART assistance months ago if it had been available to us. We had a long wait to see the RE, so did the naturopathic stuff as a way to feel like we were doing something while we waited. Even though all of our tests were normal, something was telling me that that our chances were not great, and we were going to need some help in that department. After having the surgery, I now know that the inkling I had was right, and our chances for the first 22 tries actually were slim to none. Post surgery, we're essentially starting from scratch again and the ObGyn thinks we have close to the same 20-25% chance per cycle as any average couple for the few months. Put in those terms, I thought DH would be as excited and optimistic as I was. Right now I am enjoying the fantasy of the au natural freebie baby that I had all but given up on. I'm sure if we've had no luck after a few more tries I'll be more than ready to be inseminated!
silverdollar, 28 April 2010 - 04:58 PM
I was just kidding about stealing my material :) I meant the "hubby" worrrying about being too optomistic. Enjoy ttc au natural for a few months. What your RE says completely makes sense!
ReplyDeleteLuckypenny, 28 April 2010 - 06:24 PM
It is a hard subject... i was always the one with the guarded heart during the cycle... afterwards when we would get our BFN.. and i woud cry and be a basket case for a good week... Hardest part for my DH was the he could not fix our IF... he saw it eating me up everyday for years and he was helpless..... Men like to take care of their families and make their wives happy... therefore my DH would strugle every cyclng time... because i think in the end he was always afraid of seeing my breakdown when my dreams were shattered yet again.... and it is not easy to just hop on and do it again... it costs a fortune... so then DH would know he would have to watch me suffer for another year until we could try again....
Its so complicated for all involved
i think he is just trying to protect u.... and like u said men have different ways of showing their feelings.. understanding the male thought process would be a miracle... glad u two have such a good relationship.... even though they dont always say the right things when we need them too.. they are our Rock!!!!!!!!!!!
Sending positive thoughts your way for a successful cycle.......
pinkstar, 28 April 2010 - 07:28 PM
You guys are the best! Luckypenny I knew you were kidding about your material. It's amazing how similar people's experiences can be -comfoting to know we're not alone in this.
Pinkster -your little one is adorable, and worth all the heartache I'm sure.
silverdollar, 29 April 2010 - 06:23 AM