Oh the Places You'll Go...

25 May 2010

There is a well known article written by Emily Perl Kingsley, the mother of a special needs child, called “Welcome to Holland” (reprinted below). She describes her experience of discovering her child’s disability like she had a trip planned to Italy with an itinerary of exciting sights to see, and somehow ended up on a trip to Holland instead. After feeling shortchanged about not getting to see Italy she accepts that Holland is a actually not such a bad place after all.

Hubbie leaving yesterday for his work trip to Cyprus made me think about this. While he is off enjoying the Mediterranean sun, I will be taking a trip to Victoria for my second date with the RE on Friday. My all inclusive package deal will include a nice relaxing lounge on the exam table and an ovary massage session with the magic wand ultrasound. Believe it or not, I’m actually very excited about my little vacation. Hmmm... what pants should I wear? Ah right, it doesn't matter, they'll be off after the first 15 minutes of our date anyway. I’m anxious to find out where the RE suggests this trip is going to take us next. What sights are there to see and what experiences are there to be had in this strange fertility treatment world? I sure hope I come away from this consultation with a ticket for a departure date that isn’t too much further away, and not just another recommendation for do-it-yourself travel.

A whole year ago I visited my GP to start getting referrals under way. Just like everyone else here, when we started TTC we thought we’d be on a short journey to some warm and wonderful new land. While it hasn’t been a short journey, we got to learn things and see places that most people will never even dream about. We were told there were other places that were must-see’s in preparation for babyville and might even win us a free ticket there. The trip to the Hystero-salpingo-grove spa left my pipes all clean, and we got a couple of good snapshots there. I entered the Clomidtown sex marathon three times in a row, but never left with a medal, just sea-sickness. Then there were the days I spent nursing the post-anesthetic hangover after my trip to laparoscopic village. That hit of morphine there was unforgettable.

We’ve had time to prepare ourselves and have been through all the pre-flight tests. Now we are just waiting for the go ahead to purchase a our tickets and take off. I’m sure this next part of the trip, and the place we ultimately get to, will be nothing like what we’d thought it would be at first. I’m OK with that. Just please let us get on the plane soon or I might go nuts waiting at the gate.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.