The Beta

16 August 2010

My beta for this 3rd and final IUI cycle is coming up on Friday. I think I am the anomaly in the crowd of TTC women in feeling like I don’t want this day to come so soon. If I could I’d just hold it off for a few more weeks I’d be happy. I have no desire to pee on a stick, I never have. In fact, I think I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve taken an HPT in the past 2 years. No, I don’t have incredible self restraint, I’m actually a just big chicken.

The very first cycle we tried, I used the test my GP’s office gave me when I had my preconception check. I was so sure that we’d hit it on the nail on the first go. My period started about an hour later. The next few cycles I bought the expensive First Response tests at $10 a pop. When I tested again, the same thing happened -pee on stick, period comes. Wait a minute, I want my money back -this product didn’t give me the desired results!

Then, the odd time when I’ve had an important Dr.’s appointment coming up, I took one just to rule out that I wasn’t pregnant before moving to the next phase of investigation/ treatment. That single line staring back was always harder to see than a bit of spotting, or that feeling gradually sneaking in that AF was on the doorstep. The first IUI cycle I took one the morning of my beta in an attempt to lessen the blow of the “I’m sorry” phone call. It really didn’t help. Last cycle AF beat me to the beta, but I still had to go get it done. Betas when you already have your period are just no fun at all, especially when the lab lady is giddy with excitement and you have to damper her down.

Most people say that the 2 week wait is the hardest part. No way, not for me. The first part of getting to ovulation is way more stressful. Once that is over, I can pretend to be pregnant and relax and coast for two whole weeks. There’s no poking, no trips to the clinic, no worrying about canceled cycles.

This time I am on progesterone, so it’s not likely that AF will arrive before Friday. Any early signs of pregnancy can be chalked up to the progesterone (breast tenderness, sleepiness). Someone asked me the other day if I've ever felt pregnant. My answer kind of shocked me. "Yes every cycle I think this could be it, but no, I don't know what it feels like to be pregnant, so I'm not sure."

Now I’m wondering if I will even be able to drag myself off to the lab on Friday morning. There is so much hinging on this result, I just want to crawl under a rock and hide from it. I could bring my progesterone (I have 12 weeks of refills) to ward off Aunt Flo and just be happy there in blissful ignorance. Maybe I'd emerge pregnant and be pleasantly surprised?

So, I wait and waffle between bracing myself for bad news, and feeling hopeful that it’s good news this time instead. I brace for bad news because after so many Dr’s telling me that we have a really good chance after procedure X,Y, or Z only to have them end in yet another negative. I almost can’t imagine it being any different. Of course I hope for good news and imagine how amazing that must feel.

So, Friday it's either a postive or on to IVF. Yikes! That rock is looking very comfortable right now.