16 November 2010
I am sending out the sincerest congrats to all of you who have had good news recently. It is not that I am unhappy for any of you in any way and would never want to take away from your joy in sharing in your success stories. I am just so intensely sad about my own situation and the uncertainty around what the future holds or doesn’t hold for me.
What a long 9 weeks it has been. I never went into this IVF cycle expecting a guaranteed BFP, I did however hope to at least make it to egg retrieval and have a fair chance at one. But that is just not the way it turned out. Now I’m so glad it’s done. Well it’s mostly done. There’s still 2 weeks of weaning off steroids and my follow up consult with the RE that I requested. I really hope soon I can start to finally have some closure on this cycle.
Please understand it is hard right now for me to read about fruitful egg harvests, fantastic 5 day blasts, triple stripe linings, let alone BFP’s and healthy deliveries. I would never want anyone not to post about these things, but I can’t stop feeling a twinge of heartache knowing that I never got the opportunity to know what any of those experiences are like. I guess it’s jealousy, but that word doesn’t entirely describe it. I try to put on my cheerleader costume and stay positive for others, but sometimes it is really hard work. I can’t always be in a happy, funny place, it’s just not normal. In order to move forward I need to be sad and grieve right now. So bear with me.
My expectations have had to be adjusted and readjusted so many times in just a few short months. The marker pin (baby) keeps getting moved further and further away. Less than a year ago I was the girl that every doctor was reassuring would get pregnant on her own, then it was after having surgery, then with IUI, then with injections and IUI, then with IVF. Now the tune has changed again.
I’ve got a few months to try to muster up the guts and finances to try this all over again. It’s terrifying to think about trying the same thing again, and be hopeful for different results after it bombed so badly this time. How do you begin get yourself prepared for that? On one hand it seems crazy to continue to pursue IVF but on the other hand it seems crazy not to. Could I forgive myself if I didn’t try?
As someone who is going through the same...pls know you are not alone. I've said it once and I will say it again...not getting to ER is a hard pill to swallow...IMHO... harder than a BFN. YOu are in my thoughts and prayers (as I know we may be shedding a few tears this evening)
ReplyDeletelulu69, 16 November 2010 - 05:49 PM
:flowers: Don't feel the need to be a cheerleader. No one would ever expect you to. Just be yourself and take all the time you need. It sucks!
impatient, 16 November 2010 - 05:58 PM
Oh SD, I'm sad for you. I know it's soon, but have you ever considered egg donation? I have the most beautiful egg donor daughter, and I just weep for women who wouldn't consider it and now find themselves having to accept a childfree life due to age or lack of funds, or just plain burnout from it all. Maybe I'll PM you with a picture of her - not to make you feel worse but to let you know I've been in your exact spot of feeling hopeless (and much older) and was able to make it a reality by deciding on donor eggs. And by the way, you don't have to apologize for not being thrilled for other people's success, it's completely understandable. Warm thoughts ...
Tulips55, 16 November 2010 - 06:09 PM
I'm so very sorry Silverdollar. I didn't make it to ER on my first IVF attempt either and it was devastating. Take all the time you need to heal, and don't be afraid to dip into the darkness briefly if that's what you need before you return to the light. Sending you warm hugs and comforting vibes.
EarthWoman, 16 November 2010 - 06:17 PM
It's OK to put the pom poms down and just look after you sometimes. Take some time to heal, when you're ready to line up for the next marathon we'll be here to cheer you on!
Kiwi, 16 November 2010 - 06:18 PM
Hello, I am really sorry about what you are going through. My first IVF was converted to IUI, and I cried in my office like it was the end. Being a cheerleader or being happy for others who made it to ER was the last thing on my mind. It's just human nature. so don't even try to put on a happy face, until doing so is no longer hard work. I found what helped was to start another IVF cycle as soon as possible. Also what helped was my RE telling me that he was going to make changes in the next cycle and there was hope that things may be better. Even if there are no or little changes in your next protocol, your body can vary quite a bit from cycle to cycle. so hang in there, I hope you will not only get to ER/ET soon, but also will have your BFP soon! Hugs.
want2babies, 16 November 2010 - 06:27 PM
I am so sorry SD, I hope Dr.H will have some answers for you... let's continue to talk via PM okay...
xox
HugsALot, 16 November 2010 - 06:44 PM
Thanks! I know it is not the end, and my RE has a plan (DHEA for 3 months, have another D&C, cycle again in the spring probably with a similar protocol but I'm waiting to hear). At barely 33, I'd like to exhaust the option of my own eggs before using donor eggs but that could be a plan F, if A-E do not succeed.
silverdollar, 16 November 2010 - 06:44 PM
Hey lady. It really does seem to be true that regardless of protocol and how things look on paper, sometimes your body just isn't up for it. That doesn't mean your body won't be up for it next time. I hope once you've really been able to feel some closure on this cycle, you'll feel refreshed and ready for your next one. It's a crapshoot for all of us. For a lot of people it will work and for many others it won't. But you still have a few shots at this and while I know it can be pretty ass-kicking and things can look pretty bleak sometimes, there's lots of hope that all of this will have a happy outcome.
ReplyDeleteBut oh my goodness, don't feel like you need to explain yourself when it comes to not feeling like you can be a cheerleader all the time. I don't think anyone here expects you to put on a happy face when you're dealing with some really tough news. You can be pleased for other people while still hurting for yourself.
You are very well loved and everyone you come across is rooting for you and those same people will think you're awesome whether you're feeling chipper or not. Don't ever feel like you need to apologize.
I'm sorry this wasn't the cycle for you. Lots of hugs and love and alcoholic beverages.
conky, 16 November 2010 - 06:51 PM
I'm so sorry silverdollar. Big hugs.
kerrilyn, 16 November 2010 - 06:57 PM
(((Hugs))) SilverDollar. I think you hit the nail on the head perfectly, it's not about being unhappy for someone else's situation, its that it's a painful reminder of what your own situation is - and what you wish it could be. And you are right that jealousy somehow doesn't encompass entirely the feelings that well up when you hear someone else's good news when you are in the middle of your own difficult situation. It can well up and feel like it will choke you. It can feel like a kick in the gut. You don't need to apologize or feel that you should always be fun and happy and a cheerleader for others. You need time to reflect, heal and acknowledge your feelings. I hope that Dr. H has some feedback about this cycle and how he can use what he has learned about you to modify the plans in the future. I hope the following months are a time for you to heal.
Luckypenny, 16 November 2010 - 07:04 PM
Your blog is so well written and expressed the emotions of IF so well. I'm so sorry that this cycle did not work out for you. ((hugs)) Good luck on your next steps.
LMC, 16 November 2010 - 07:07 PM
Hugs
lindsayinport, 16 November 2010 - 07:33 PM
You've been through alot. Take the time you need for yourself to grieve that this did not go at all the way you hoped.
Yvonne, 16 November 2010 - 07:46 PM
Although I'm BFP with a beautiful DE embie...I went through all the same jealousies you have right now. I still do sometimes. If you decide to do it again, I'll be right here cheering you on. Take care.
LisainSK, 16 November 2010 - 08:34 PM
I am so sorry, Silverdollar. You have every right to feel wrung out. Feel what you need to feel, and express what you need to in whatever way hurts the least right now. Hugs to you and your DH.
rhubarb, 16 November 2010 - 08:53 PM
So sorry! Hopefully, you win the draw next time... Sendings my toughts to you and a big hug!
Softi444, 16 November 2010 - 09:11 PM
Barely 33? You're a kitten! Best of luck with whatever path you choose!!
Tulips55, 16 November 2010 - 09:29 PM
Sending you big, big ((HUGS)). You certainly deserve them. It's been such a bumpy road and a lot of crappy news over the past few months but I'm still pulling for you and believe that you'll make it to babyland.
ReplyDelete:flowers:
Erin_G, 17 November 2010 - 06:21 AM
Hey SD, I am so sorry to hear about your BFN. And I have been in your shoes with a cancelled cycle once before so I know the total devastation that comes with that. It actually took me a little while to recover from the trauma (a strong word, but I'm using it!) of that cancellation and it was hard to jump back on the horse knowing that the future was (and still is!) uncertain. Take it one step at a time and have faith in your doctor who has developed a plan for you. And you have many people rooting for you here! Also, never apologize for feeling what you're feeling. Those are real, honest and raw emotions. This IF stuff is a hard road that comes with a mixed bag of emotions. Take it day by day...some days will be better than others. ((Hugs))
leigh14, 17 November 2010 - 07:19 AM
:)
Take the time you need to heal from this cycle. There is absolutely no need for you to be a cheerleader right now either. The 1st IVF cycle is the hardest (I promise!) whether you made it to ER or not.
A positive: your age will work in your favor!
Again... big hugs, and take your time!
jrhansen, 17 November 2010 - 07:54 AM
Sending you hugs Silverdollar! Lots of hugs.
Z12, 17 November 2010 - 12:48 PM