Plodding on is harder than stopping.

31 October 2010

Today would have been my estimated egg retrieval date if I had made it that far. It's almost surreal looking back at all the events of the past week/month/year. One minute I was an IVF patient, the next I was downgraded to a very expensive IUI with a 5% chance of success. Not no hope, but so heartbreakingly small to even hold onto.

Cancellations suck, but I'm convinced IVF-IUI conversions are even harder in many ways. Continuing with the 4 daily injections, returning to the clinic for ultrasounds and blood work, shelling out more money, having the Dr. ordered intercourse at a prescribed time, having the IUI, and then the 2 week wait before you have complete closure on the cycle. It requires an incredible strength and endurance that you have to draw from somewhere when you feel you've got nothing left in you. The easier path would have been to throw in the towel, get drunk, move on, and get things together for next time.

It's like I trained and signed up for the 10km run where I had a good chance of winning a medal, and accidentally got switched onto the marathon course part way through the race where just getting to the finish line is the reward, but there's nothing tangible to take home. And because I'm running slower than expected, the volunteers are already sweeping the course and the aid stations have run out of energy drinks and snack to keep me motivated. Once in a while there are draw prizes and there's a small chance of taking something home that way, but you can't pin expectations on that.

Then everyone likes to tell their miracle success stories and tell you not to give up on it yet. When you are living and breathing it, those stories seem to irritate rather than provide comfort. When my Dr. tells me that the last 3 IVF-IUI conversions at my clinic ended in pregnancies, I feel like an even bigger failure if mine does not.

The irony is that my latest ultrasound actually showed a 5th follicle , but it will likely not catch up, it's very small compared to the others. The lining is now up to 12mm but I still have a few more days to go until ovulation so the IUI is scheduled for Tuesday afternoon.

My next big step will be hauling myself back to my work with other people's babies, and all the nosy co-workers. Again, it's going to require strength from somewhere, I'm just not sure where it will come from yet.

Our plan is to take the next 3 months break with a "less is more" attitude. No more trips to Victoria for appointments. I've discharged myself from acupuncture for now, and will just take the DHEA and vitamins my RE suggests, but nothing more. I'm done with well meaning advice for now. Honestly I spent the last 2 years doing everything "right" and nothing has worked. I'm reclaiming my body for after renting it our to science for the past year. This landlord is moving back in, and changing the locks. Hubs and I will get ski passes this winter and get our normal lives back for a while.