23 January 2011
The best thing is to avoid going all together, I've decided. If I know the person well, I will go for a visit 1:1 on my own terms (ie: when I haven't just got yet another negative beta phone call) or else I send along a gift with a "sorry I couldn't make it" card.
This week there is a baby shower for another one of the many new moms from work. Of course I'd already declined the invite stating that I had other plans. I don't even know this woman very well, so I'd sort of excused myself from buying a gift as well. That is until someone else had the bright idea that we should all chip in for a group gift. OK fine, but then I started thinking about the money that I'm going to need to shell out in the next few months for these types of events. There are 7 co-workers who have recently started maternity leaves and at $15-$20 a pop this really starts to add up after a while.
Maybe I'm feeling a bit stingy at the moment because after several failed treatments in 2010 we're borrowing and pinching every penny to make IVF attempt #2 happen. I also feel a bit resentful that these women made babies for free, get to take paid maternity leaves, and get showered with gifts. Chipping in for birthday gifts is one thing. Everyone has equal opportunity at having a birthday every year. This is not the same for having a baby.
This got me to thinking that I wish there were "Help Fund My Baby" Showers. Guests could donate moula, or buy gift cards from the clinic of your choice. A online gift registry could be set up to allow invitees to select the right amounts of each type of injection, or whether they'd chip in towrds a larger purchase of an egg retrieval, or embryo transfer procedure. If you have lots of guests, you could even add acupuncture and counseling services to the list. Maybe not as glitzy as unwrapping a bunch of little pink or blue outfits, but very practical!
i believe it's so important to take care of yourself when it comes to things like baby showers.. i HATED buying presents and attending them, constantly thinking 'will it ever be my turn'... when i finally was 8 months pregnant and my coworkers held one for me- i was stunned the whole time that i was actually in THAT chair.. it was so weird- even looking back now. and this part brings tears to my eyes right now- my son was such a welcomed, celebrated child (many friends and family knew we did IVF) that we received close to 80 presents welcoming him to the world... :Emoticons09710:(for us, that's a lot).. i wish you such joy SD
ReplyDeletekarenbabyready, 23 January 2011 - 11:24 PM
I had suggested to my then-pregnant sister that pharmacy gift cards would be an awesome Christmas present. She was completely shocked and horrified. I'm now the proud owner of an over-sized and unfabulous sweater she bought at the grocery store. (Although now that I think of it, it will fit nicely when I finally am pregnant)Asking fertiles to "get it" is probably asking too much, especially when they don't know what you're going through. Just make sure you make the right decisions for yourself.((HUGS))
Erin_G, 24 January 2011 - 05:48 AM
I must sound like a terrible person. Suck it up, cough up the $15, and quit my complaining already.
silverdollar, 24 January 2011 - 10:02 AM
No way, why should we, who go through so much, have to suck it up? You don't sound like a terrible person, you sound like someone that's tired of all of the pregnant people around you getting spoiled while you sit there wondering "when the heck do I get the royal treatment?" I'm with you. I'm always tempted to tell people "yeah, can't afford all of these shower gifts and travel expenses to get there, gotta save for the IVF. Feel free to come to my IVF shower, though." Geez.
Tracy1234, 24 January 2011 - 11:06 AM
"This got me to thinking that I wish there were "Help Fund My Baby" Showers. Guests could donate moula, or buy gift cards from the clinic of your choice. A online gift registry could be set up to allow invitees to select the right amounts of each type of injection, or whether they'd chip in towrds a larger purchase of an egg retrieval, or embryo transfer procedure. If you have lots of guests, you could even add acupuncture and counseling services to the list. Maybe not as glitzy as unwrapping a bunch of little pink or blue outfits, but very practical!"that is hilarious!!! love the idea! wonder if it would apply to homestudy and social worker/adoption fees as well!:Emoticons09710:
nervus optmist, 24 January 2011 - 04:23 PM
No one knows what it feels like going through something until they go through it themselves. I don't think those who have gone through IVF once, twice, three times etc should expect someone who doesn't go through it to understand. Nor should we expect them to walk on egg shells around us. This society is unfortunetly built on trying NOT to offend people whether it's sexuality, racial, and fertility offensive.We each have our LIFE struggles...some harder than others...and in this case for the most of us it's fertility...We must try to be positive, we must fight, prevail...I went through this being happy for others who got pregnant..with help or not...and even if it's by accident...just cause it came so easily doesn't mean THAT is not their LIFE struggle.I'm a strong believer that we attract our thoughts/energies and visualizations. Keep those positive thoughts and feeling going...Of course I say this more to be a boost to what you are going through and maybe a bit of a devil's advocate...I think when we get caught up in wanting something so bad we lost sight of the bigger picture.I don't fault any of you for what you feel...it's your feelings. :)Good Luck ladies.
faithhopelove, 24 January 2011 - 08:31 PM
I think it's great that your protecting yourself and avoiding baby showers, its so important to take care of you, because no one else will! Avoiding baby showers is smart, trying to get all happy and burying your feelings deep down is not a healthy way to live. I avoided baby showers too, and it was the right choice for me. When we were expecting, via a surrogate, I wouldn't let anyone through any kind of party until the babies were safely home, as an infertile, I see baby showers as very very naive,assuming that a pregnancy will result in a live baby, even now I feel awkward at showers, Especially ones held early in pregnancy.As for the gift, I would go ahead and contribute if I were you, but thats just me.
ReplyDeleteDuck, 25 January 2011 - 10:10 AM
faithlovehope isn't it a bit easy to say when your pregnant?
Duck, 25 January 2011 - 10:12 AM
Bah, I HATE the obligation of having to buy a gift for anyone, much less a coworker I'm not close to, or chocolates so your kid can get their beaver badge or whatever.You could decline and say you are purchasing your own gift, but then you know what will happen. The gift card for the group gift will say something like "from everyone in the office, EXCEPT silverdollar" LOL.Balls to that. Do what's right for you!! That's almost $140 in upcoming gifts for you, and that's a lot for ANYONE.
DeeJay, 25 January 2011 - 11:07 AM
Sorry if I've been misunderstood here. I don't think that we should all stop celebrating new motherhood because some of us struggling with infertility have a hard time at these events. Of course everyone has their own issues. It's my choice to go or not go and whether to spend money on a gift or not. It's not about the gifts anyway. I would never expect someone to understand it who hasnt experienced IF. I honestly could care less about ever being the centre of attention at a baby shower. It is absurd to have an IVF shower and that is what makes the idea funny. But if you could, Nervous optimist - I do think social work and adoption fees would be a great addition to the registry!Anyway, I gave over my $15 contribution this time, but won't be attending the shower this afternoon. I'm going to spend some time with my grandmother who is in hospital with a broken hip instead.AND, I honestly believe that positive thinking is better for your overall quality of life, but it is not going to make or break the outcome of an IVF cycle.
silverdollar, 25 January 2011 - 11:40 AM
In my chronically single days a friend of mine had a lovely monologue about buying wedding gifts: Why do I have to buy her a gift? I need it more than she does. I'm the one who's alone. What, she gets the guy and a present? She's the happy one, she should buy the presents. etc etc Your comments about baby showers ring a bell.I tend to think of those group gifts as buying work harmony rather than buying a present but that's my own approach.
tabby, 25 January 2011 - 12:20 PM
By far the best post I've ever read. It's like you read my mind...
Mrs. H, 25 January 2011 - 02:06 PM
I have to say that when I worked in an office, I always hated those envelopes that would go around asking for money. I think it's just plain wrong - whether it's for a baby, a wedding, or moving away. Should the secretary have to shell out $15 for their manager who makes 5 times the amount they do? Should I have to give money to someone I don't like just because I'm forced to work with him/her? And what about those people who never get married, have babies or move???? Sucks to be you.My feeling is that if you like someone enough to want to give them a gift, then you will. The rest is all BS.And, IMO, it's not a question of being happy or not being happy for someone. It's a question of being put in an uncomfortable (and sometimes extremely distressing) situation without a socially acceptable way to get out. And SD - I actually LOVE your idea about a 'registry' for people going through IVF and adoption. (Voluntary anonymous donations, of course!!) Future business idea??
ReplyDeleteimpatient, 25 January 2011 - 02:26 PM
**infant loss and child ment**I remember reading about money grab request for a shower gift in my inbox the day we got home from the hospital after losing our two boys - It was common knowledge that I had lost them too. Some people just can't think beyond their own perfect little lives.Baby showers have always midly offended me - even pre-IF. I simply didn't get the 'present grabing' mentality and the mothers who were offended if someone didn't buy off the registry. I've always thought, if you can't afford diapers or burp cloths(the practicable gift) then you shouldn't have gotten pregnant.After years of avoiding them myself I refused to have a baby shower (and I agree with your thoughts 100% - I (unlike a classic fertile) don't need others celebrating my good fortune - just having 'it' is celebration enough) but I also refused gifts at our wedding, my wedding shower, DD's 1st b-day, etc so in general expecting other people to buy me gifts has always made me uncomfortable.Big Hug SD and good for you for not going and for being a voice for those who feel the same.
4leggedbaby, 25 January 2011 - 03:06 PM
A great post! I completely agree with all of you who find these types of money-grabs uncomfortable. The office envelope is the worst, because there is NO way to back out without seeming cheap, mean, petty. I don't want to contribute because I dont know or care about that person's life!! That's why I don't hang out with them after work!I've had these feeling prior to IF stuff; I always thought that forcing people to contribute their hard earned money to random people's babies, marriages, homes, etc is totally out of line. I have to say that baby showers are the worst, because most moms-to-be give the feeling that they are entitled to presents and exactly what they have on their registries. It's not that I'm cheap, I love buying presents for friends, family, etc. When a good friend of mine has a baby shower, I do attend, I enjoy it and I have no difficulty buying a great gift. I don't care that other are celebrating, I just don't like being strong armed into contributing money to random causes at work or any where else.
ReplyDeletesheba, 25 January 2011 - 05:42 PM
I love the registry idea! Kind of like on Sex and the City when Carrie registers for Manolo Blahnik shoes after purchasing yet another gift for her friend's 3rd child.In all seriousness, I think Erin G's suggestion of pharmacy gift cards is a great one!I do know how you feel. This month appears to be 1st birthday party month for me.
wannakid, 25 January 2011 - 06:58 PM
I read an article recently about a woman in Japan who was starting a trend. When she passed her 'Christmas Cake' age (age when it's traditionally too late to get married - I can't remember which age that is), she threw herself a party and told all her friends that she was getting married to herself because she loves herself and she loves her life.I thought that was really cool. Why shouldn't she? Why should she spend her whole life giving gifts to other people and not receiving just because she isn't married? And more importantly, why should she have to wait until society says it's okay to celebrate her life?Maybe there's some sort of lesson here that relates to baby showers too ... :Emoticons09780:
impatient, 25 January 2011 - 09:17 PM