19 January 2011
Since my 1st attempt at doing an IVF cycle where things went totally sideways and the cycle was ultimately canceled, I've been on a 3 month break. The only thing I've been doing is popping my DHEA, but otherwise there are no long drives for appointments, no bad news in the stirrup dates with my RE, and no I'm sorry to tell you ___ phone calls. Hubs and I have been maximizing our time in the mountains skiing and doing active things outdoors. I got back into an exercise and eating routine and dropped the extra pounds I'd put on during my cycle. My sleep got back on track, and I was finally starting to feel human again. Life is good, but there is still something missing in our lives -a child.
Then last week I had to see my GP for a pre-op visit, plan more time off work, contact my clinic & wait for a response, connect with my acupuncturist, and arrange hotel stays. That was all going along OK, but, when I got my protocol, I had a moment of panic. I think seeing it in print tipped me over the edge. All the med dosages and appointment dates. How aggressive and unconventional this protocol is. Then there is the cost estimate for the meds alone. $6000 for just 12 days - Gulp! It's not that it was unexpected. My RE warned me that this next cycle would be very short and very expensive. We'll pull the money together somehow. I don't know how many more times we'll be able to do that however.
So I need to gear up for the treadmill to launch into full speed in a few weeks and I hope I can keep up. There is a certain amount of excitement that is there with a first IVF, that is just not there this time. I guess I am feeling a bit gun shy the second time around. In fact I almost don't believe it is really going to happen this time even though my RE is committed to going ahead with the egg retrieval this time no matter how many follicles there are. I first have to get through the surgery, and everything has to fall into place with the early part of the cycle even to get to that stage. The idea of having embryos to transfer seems like so many steps down the line. Getting a real live baby actually seems like an urban myth.
Luckily my counselor was available for a phone session on short notice. It's always so good to talk things over with her.
What's freaking me out? She asked if I was afraid of getting a BFN. No, I can honestly say than if the cycle goes well in terms of follicles, lining, embryos etc, but does not result in a pregnancy I'll be sad but OK knowing that we have the option to try IVF again. However going through all of this only to have a poor response and being told at age 33 that I am no longer IVF material is way scarier than any old BFN. Is that scarier than the alternative (not trying and totally giving up on this dream right now) no. Ok, so soldier on it is. Muster up the strength. Get through one step at a time.
I can completely related.I took the failure of my first IVF significantly harder then I could have ever imagined. If it wasn't for my support system I think it could have literally driven me to drink - in a not good way. I desperately wanted to escape.The 9 months I took from failure to FET (almost pregnant), followed by FET (BFNwas hard, but needed. By the time it came to do another IVF a full year after our first I had found a place in myself that I had lost many years before. The thought of moving forward was scary because for me it was truly the last straw. I knew in my heart that it was either going to work or we were finally done after a long 6 years of trying. THe initial anxiety was tough, but once things actually started I felt more disconnected, but in an ok kind of way. This was a new kind of auto pilot. There is something very different with a second IVF that can only be experienced first hand.This past fall as I was laying the ground work to return to the clinic and start again I had more anxiety then I'd had in the previous years of trying. It was overwhelming and scary. . Fortunately I had the comfort of my special angel and was coming to terms with the likely hood that I wouldn't be able to travel that road again. The rest is history.What I'm trying to get at is that it's normal. Scary, but normal. You've had the time to build your strength and your reserves. Whether you cycle now or a year from now, it will be tough, but I think you know in your heart that this is what you have to do. This is how you have to provide the opportunity for your angel to find you. This is the door you have to open for them to come through. You can do it. I believe in you and I believe in you being reunited with your angel who's been so patiently waiting for this opportunity to finally come.Good LuckD
ReplyDeleteDesignerBug, 19 January 2011 - 08:22 PM
I'm so not looking forward to the sticker shock when we are hopefully cleared for IVF. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a good response for you this time, T! :)
dawnkey, 19 January 2011 - 09:35 PM
I hope this protocol has the magic touch for you. I felt similar for IVF #1 and #2, it's our upcoming FET that has me stressed. I'll be hoping for the best.:)
LMC, 19 January 2011 - 10:41 PM
At the beginning of my 2nd cycle I felt the same way. I think we feel this way because we're thrying to protect our self from the huge disapointment of a BFN or an unsuccesful cycle. Closer to the ER I started to feel the same as the first time very hopefull. Good Luck! I hope everything turns out great for you!
hoping for two, 19 January 2011 - 11:01 PM
I know I'm not able to relate to exactly what you are going through but I'm sending you big hugs and good, sticky baby vibes! :) I'm really hoping that you'll have some good news soon.
ReplyDeleteErin_G, 20 January 2011 - 05:32 AM
I felt the same way for my second IVF. I decided that I didn't have to do it and I wouldn't decide if I would do it or not until day one of my cycle. After that, I tried to take each day as an opportunity to decide whether to go on with it. Looking at the protocol always makes my head spin! The amount of times I picked it up and read it over was ridiculous! I think it's easier to take each day at a time and not to think or discuss the next bit until it comes. It may make it seem a little less overwhelming. Just focus on your surgery and being healthy and you can think about the next bit later. Good luck!
Toronto28, 20 January 2011 - 06:24 AM
Completely understand - especially your last paragraph. Hugs.
impatient, 20 January 2011 - 06:50 AM
Thanks! Given my history, if I want to give IVF a good chance, it's now or never. That makes that decision obvious to me, so there's no question in my mind that I will step aboard and carry out all the steps necessary.
silverdollar, 20 January 2011 - 07:28 AM
I did a super high dose of ivf meds during my second cycle, 500 iu of puregon and 250 of menopur,my first cycle was also a bust with low quality eggs,and my second ivf cycle I made much better eggs, so hopefully your high dose will help too!
Duck, 20 January 2011 - 09:05 AM
I think we all go into that 1st IVF with optimisim. Afterall, its touted to being the answer to it all. When it fails (especially for reasons that indicate you may not make it at all, ie poor response) it makes #2 scary as hell. There's no right answer other than plow ahead, one step in front of another. Don't worry about needing to feel positive or having to have good vibes about it. Your body will do what it needs to do no matter where your mind is (fortunately).
4leggedbaby, 20 January 2011 - 10:56 AM
I wish you the best with this cycle. I can relate to your feelings. We are gearing up for a FET and the best word to describe my feelings...subdued. Back in September we had our first ivf and I was giddy with excitement and actually enjoyed the injections, daily blood work and ultrasounds. Unfortunately I miscarried at 9 weeks and crashed hard. We received our FET protocol yesterday and instead of being excited, I thought 'God damn, I have to get up at 6 a.m. to make it to the clinic by 7:30 a.m. everyday' In reading the responses here, these feelings seem to be very normal for us.
Dempie, 20 January 2011 - 11:48 AM
Good luck with this cycle. :flowers:
Softi444, 20 January 2011 - 08:24 PM